I have been reviewing some key philosophical ideas for the past months, thanks to the following persons for being my inspiration:
- Dominic Gonzales and Adrian Alcala, ex-seminarian friends
- Mr. Jay Aureada, ex-seminarian and co-faculty of mine
- Tracy Llanera, the summa cum laude of our batch
They're all philosophy majors.
I taught that subject, Philosophy of Man, last semester, and have been astonished because of a fairly obvious thing: that the key for understanding Sociological theories is to have a firm grounding on the basic concepts of philosophy, be it classical or modern (I am not acquainted with post-modern thought just yet). This is a thing that I wasn't aware of long ago, because I'm a moron. My last semester's Socio-Anthro class was rather boring, since they were only 11 students, and were rather passive ones, and so I preoccupied myself with my 2 philosophy classes. And so I spent hours on the library couch reading this and that book, exclaiming "aha!" much to the surprise of the librarian many times, getting scolded because I was not in the faculty room during my consultation hours because I was studying somewhere else.
When my philosophical interest was reawakened, it set-off a series of I-am-such-a-fool-to-think-that-such-and-such chain of events so horrible to even mentio--
I was reacquainted with the 3 Giants of Greek Philosophy, which strengthened my grip on Comte, Sorokim, Durkheim, Weber and Marx. Concepts that were unknown and unclear to me years ago were now crystal. Leafing through pages of Kierkegaard, Sartre, Husserl, Nietzsche and Heidegger enabled me to understand and interpret more the theories of Phenomenology, Ethnomethodology, Structural Functionalism, and Communicative Action. A clearer glance at postmodernism, too. What surprised me is the strengthening of my faith when I read Aquinas and Augustine. Not to mention conversations about the basis of the Roman Catholic Faith while drinking every Thursday after the novena mass. I remember joining the TWG years ago to get my hands on more academic and creative pastiche. It helped me a lot.
Then a painful regret dawned on me: that its too bad I never bothered to consolidate my philosophical knowledge to understand sociology more.
This exactly why I was vomiting in the PICC restrooms two years ago, I don't want to graduate yet because of my inadequacies in my academics.
I would've excelled more on my academics, got higher grades in PolDy and LRT, not to mention a better thesis. I regret not knowing Tracy earlier, and not talking to my batchmate Leonel, her classmate, about these stuff not (really?) knowing that it'll be helpful to all of us. I was a fool forgetting that my inadequacies in Sociological theories is a result of my loose grip on philosophy. No wonder why Emanovich Batonivsky, that ex-seminarian who once slapped my own incompetence to my face 3 years ago, is so damn good. I envy those people, their academic rigidity to stay focused in these things. They are the people who would change the very face of the world, the people who, two decades from now, would be taught to all schools.
Sociology people: learn from them and let them learn from us. Learn from our professors in the university as much as you can, and use the skills in other subjects to complement the major ones. Remember what Vision and Mission means, what theory and practice is, because without the sufficient amount of both our 4 years in college would be futile. Never fall into that trap of learning more and more about less and less.
Sociology majors have been looked down upon for the past years, LET US NOT GIVE THEM REASONS TO DO THAT AGAIN.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Envy
To whom? To TWG members / alumni.
I can't write, not even a single relevant or significant post in my blogs since January 25, much less something of literary value. This academic year's been a bitch for me. Although I got to work as a college instructor (modesty aside, in a ho-hum, so-so institution), it seems that since then, I have been in a sort of writer's block. Block, as in mental block in writing. Everytime that I get an idea of what to write, which also rarely happens since then, my pen would just end doodling on the paper. My eyes would just get watery staring at the screen in an attempt on changing the very face of the world with my text.
Worse, when I finally wrestled with myself into writing anything, usually in the form of a poem, or say a blog post like this, it'll just get butchered, not expressed even as a sigh, but a yelp. Instead of cooked sausages for breakfast, it'll be served looking like a mashed spam.
Pathetic, because everytime I see pictures of TWG alumni members in an activity like a workshop, forum, or just drinking beer, the more I refuse to succumb to the fact that the reason I cannot write is because I am not with them, although it seems that its obvious as the sun in midday. I cannot write because, it seems, as I am isolated from them, so am I isolated from literary practice. And to think that just after my graduation I have been hoping to improve my poetics, tch. So much so that when I imagine myself being with them in this or that event and the topic would be literature, I wouldn't be able to understand, much less keep up.
This year I don't remember writing anything with literary content, much less published on anything. Even managing to pass applications for workshops weren't done. I am not sure if this is to be blamed on my situation, or just my lack of organization and "talent," whatever that may be. I am thinking of being "invisible" from TWG people until I can write anything worthy of serious thought, but am not sure if this could be accomplished, or what would be accomplished by doing it.
As if being abused and degraded by my co-workers is not enough.
Fuck. I so hate this self doubt.
Was I really able to write?
I can't write, not even a single relevant or significant post in my blogs since January 25, much less something of literary value. This academic year's been a bitch for me. Although I got to work as a college instructor (modesty aside, in a ho-hum, so-so institution), it seems that since then, I have been in a sort of writer's block. Block, as in mental block in writing. Everytime that I get an idea of what to write, which also rarely happens since then, my pen would just end doodling on the paper. My eyes would just get watery staring at the screen in an attempt on changing the very face of the world with my text.
Worse, when I finally wrestled with myself into writing anything, usually in the form of a poem, or say a blog post like this, it'll just get butchered, not expressed even as a sigh, but a yelp. Instead of cooked sausages for breakfast, it'll be served looking like a mashed spam.
Pathetic, because everytime I see pictures of TWG alumni members in an activity like a workshop, forum, or just drinking beer, the more I refuse to succumb to the fact that the reason I cannot write is because I am not with them, although it seems that its obvious as the sun in midday. I cannot write because, it seems, as I am isolated from them, so am I isolated from literary practice. And to think that just after my graduation I have been hoping to improve my poetics, tch. So much so that when I imagine myself being with them in this or that event and the topic would be literature, I wouldn't be able to understand, much less keep up.
This year I don't remember writing anything with literary content, much less published on anything. Even managing to pass applications for workshops weren't done. I am not sure if this is to be blamed on my situation, or just my lack of organization and "talent," whatever that may be. I am thinking of being "invisible" from TWG people until I can write anything worthy of serious thought, but am not sure if this could be accomplished, or what would be accomplished by doing it.
As if being abused and degraded by my co-workers is not enough.
Fuck. I so hate this self doubt.
Was I really able to write?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Lactic Legs
As some of you know, this semester started with me weighing 142 lbs. However, since my birthday, students and friends of mine have been treating me to a lot of stuff (beer, food, beer)and so that fairly OK weight has turned into a whopping 155 lbs. Before I get dismayed with my general health, I took things into my hands: Common-sense-less-carbohydrates-and-more-veggies diet and exercise.
My good friend, Manuel, has been bugging me to start working out again. I took the opportunity, and so for the past 2-3 weeks we have been into a sort of a gym-cardio-gym-cardio workout schedule. I go to his house thrice a week, run that semi-dreadful treadmill programs, stretch and work my ass off to shed some weight and tone my, uhm, physique. It's good, really, even though so many are the times that I can't reach my back to scrub it while bathing because of the pain and strainon my shoulders and arms.
Yesterday, a Saturday, is also included in our schedule. So I sweated my way out of that treadmill program # 3for 30 mins, stretched, and worked my way through bench presses, lat machine exercises, hammer and dumbell curls. After a gruelling 2-hour workout, I decided to warm down by doing some stretching again, shadow-boxing routines and working my legs.
I decided to do some boxing stuff by doing some hook-ducking footwork while carrying that 1.5kg medicine ball. The drill goes like this:
Your partner delivers slow hook punches, one at a time, while you carry that medicine ball with both hands in front of your chest. You duck a little and bend your knees a good deal to evade the hook while simultaneously working on a V-shaped footwork alternately to where your partner's punch came from. He steps back, then you two repeat the same procedure several times. 1 set consists of 40 repititions; 20 reps forward and 20 reps backward. I did 3 sets. Do the math.
I decided to do another set, a one-for-the-road thing. Then that's where the funny thing began.
When I bent my legs the first rep of that set, I froze. I can't move my legs, they were stiff and in GREAT PAIN. I think of lactic acids rushing to my leg muscles, busy overloaded trains jamming on a Dusseldorf station, people cursing the operators to their graves as if they just skinned babies.
Push 2 milligrams ativan. Stat!
My legs turned to wood, painful hardwood.
Wincing every second, I inched my way to a chair in a half-squat position. After taking some deep breaths and praying, I labored to stand up straight. Beads on my foreheads. Then I calmed myself, sat down, and massaged my thighs.
hehehehe... hehe...
Now I can't get up easily from bed, er.. bedding, since I sleep on the floor; can't quickly stand up from a chair, much less on a toilet seat; I canNOT freaking bend my knees without laughing painfully. Everytime my vastus lateralis flexes, fire shoots up to my gluteus maximus. Hopefully, on Tuesday, I can climb up the stairs to conduct my classes to room 301 of 2 different building in the campus.
This is insane, and I like this. I could use this stuff from time to time.
My good friend, Manuel, has been bugging me to start working out again. I took the opportunity, and so for the past 2-3 weeks we have been into a sort of a gym-cardio-gym-cardio workout schedule. I go to his house thrice a week, run that semi-dreadful treadmill programs, stretch and work my ass off to shed some weight and tone my, uhm, physique. It's good, really, even though so many are the times that I can't reach my back to scrub it while bathing because of the pain and strainon my shoulders and arms.
Yesterday, a Saturday, is also included in our schedule. So I sweated my way out of that treadmill program # 3for 30 mins, stretched, and worked my way through bench presses, lat machine exercises, hammer and dumbell curls. After a gruelling 2-hour workout, I decided to warm down by doing some stretching again, shadow-boxing routines and working my legs.
I decided to do some boxing stuff by doing some hook-ducking footwork while carrying that 1.5kg medicine ball. The drill goes like this:
Your partner delivers slow hook punches, one at a time, while you carry that medicine ball with both hands in front of your chest. You duck a little and bend your knees a good deal to evade the hook while simultaneously working on a V-shaped footwork alternately to where your partner's punch came from. He steps back, then you two repeat the same procedure several times. 1 set consists of 40 repititions; 20 reps forward and 20 reps backward. I did 3 sets. Do the math.
I decided to do another set, a one-for-the-road thing. Then that's where the funny thing began.
When I bent my legs the first rep of that set, I froze. I can't move my legs, they were stiff and in GREAT PAIN. I think of lactic acids rushing to my leg muscles, busy overloaded trains jamming on a Dusseldorf station, people cursing the operators to their graves as if they just skinned babies.
Push 2 milligrams ativan. Stat!
My legs turned to wood, painful hardwood.
Wincing every second, I inched my way to a chair in a half-squat position. After taking some deep breaths and praying, I labored to stand up straight. Beads on my foreheads. Then I calmed myself, sat down, and massaged my thighs.
hehehehe... hehe...
Now I can't get up easily from bed, er.. bedding, since I sleep on the floor; can't quickly stand up from a chair, much less on a toilet seat; I canNOT freaking bend my knees without laughing painfully. Everytime my vastus lateralis flexes, fire shoots up to my gluteus maximus. Hopefully, on Tuesday, I can climb up the stairs to conduct my classes to room 301 of 2 different building in the campus.
This is insane, and I like this. I could use this stuff from time to time.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Kanino?
Itinanong ko sa iyo
noon kung kanino ka
maaawa:
Sa nag-alay ng lubos
o sa kanyang nagtaboy
sa handog at nagkaila.
Ang Ayaw Ko Tuwing Kapaskuhan
PESTENG TRAFFIC. Daig pa ang mga balang sa palayan kung mamerwisyo.
Lumuwas ako noong isang araw para umattend ng party sa Maynila. Lagi kong ginagawa iyon, apat na taon na. Pero nito lang ako nakaranas ng ganoong katinding traffic. Mula ala-una ng hapon hanggang alas-siete ng gabi ang naging byahe ko. Yaong karaniwang tatlong oras na biyahe, naging anim. Mabuti na lang at pasko at medyo mahaba ang pasensya ko, kundi kinain ko na yung paslit na kasama ng babaeng katabi ko sa bus. Sobrang likot, maya't maya tinapakan ang pantalon kong nanlimahid dahil sa sandalyas nya. Kapag ako nagkaanak at kailangang isama sa byahe, sasaksakan ko muna ng ketamine para walang malay.
Ayos na sana, aircon naman. Kaso matapos kong bumaba sa Megamall para maghanap ng banyo (habang naglalakad na parang si Jason Bourne sa Waterloo Station, south entrance), at sumakay ng bus papuntang Quezon City, napurnada na. Sobrang traffic na naman. Isa't kalahating oras akong nakatayo sa salimuot ng pagsakay ng bus sa rush hour. Yung puti kong kamiseta, puta na. Dirty white -- LITERAL. Masikip. Mausok. Maalikabok. Madumi.
Dumating ako sa venue namin nang nanggigitata na. Iwas ako agad sa mga dalagang nagtangkang humalik sa pisngi ko habang nakataas ang kamay at nagsasabing "Hep! Oiliness to ugliness ako. Mamaya na lang." Mabuti na lang at maraming pagkain, matapos ang halos 8 oras kong pakikipagbuno sa trapiko ay pinuno ko naman ng bihon, adobo, lechon, puto at dinuguan ang sikmura ko, habang sumasagot sa mga tanong na:
"Bakit ngayon ka lang?"
"San ka galing?"
"Diretso ka ba mula Quezon?"
"Bakit nakakunot agad ang noo mo?"
"Gift ko, asan na?"
"Kumusta ang trabaho?"
"Sinong nililigawan mo ngayon? Estudyante?"
"Hindi mo na ba talaga ako mahal?"
"Ayaw mo nitong lollipop?"
"T-back, hipster, o see-through?"
"Ano ulit? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?"
Mabuti naman at nairaos ko ang araw na wala akong pinagbabalingan ng sama ng loob. Sa susunod na taon, ayaw ko nang lumuwas nang ganoong petsa kapag mataas na ang araw. Maigi pang pumunta na lang ako ng Baguio, ganoon din katagal. Kinabukasan, maayos naman ang biyahe pabalik ng Lucena, mga apat na oras lang dahil sa traffic, at maigi ring may katabi akong magandang binibining alumna ng UST. Masayang kasama, kahit na mukha siyang nagtanan na hindi sinipot ng kabiyak sa dami ng dala.
***
Mapagpalayang pasko
Lumuwas ako noong isang araw para umattend ng party sa Maynila. Lagi kong ginagawa iyon, apat na taon na. Pero nito lang ako nakaranas ng ganoong katinding traffic. Mula ala-una ng hapon hanggang alas-siete ng gabi ang naging byahe ko. Yaong karaniwang tatlong oras na biyahe, naging anim. Mabuti na lang at pasko at medyo mahaba ang pasensya ko, kundi kinain ko na yung paslit na kasama ng babaeng katabi ko sa bus. Sobrang likot, maya't maya tinapakan ang pantalon kong nanlimahid dahil sa sandalyas nya. Kapag ako nagkaanak at kailangang isama sa byahe, sasaksakan ko muna ng ketamine para walang malay.
Ayos na sana, aircon naman. Kaso matapos kong bumaba sa Megamall para maghanap ng banyo (habang naglalakad na parang si Jason Bourne sa Waterloo Station, south entrance), at sumakay ng bus papuntang Quezon City, napurnada na. Sobrang traffic na naman. Isa't kalahating oras akong nakatayo sa salimuot ng pagsakay ng bus sa rush hour. Yung puti kong kamiseta, puta na. Dirty white -- LITERAL. Masikip. Mausok. Maalikabok. Madumi.
Dumating ako sa venue namin nang nanggigitata na. Iwas ako agad sa mga dalagang nagtangkang humalik sa pisngi ko habang nakataas ang kamay at nagsasabing "Hep! Oiliness to ugliness ako. Mamaya na lang." Mabuti na lang at maraming pagkain, matapos ang halos 8 oras kong pakikipagbuno sa trapiko ay pinuno ko naman ng bihon, adobo, lechon, puto at dinuguan ang sikmura ko, habang sumasagot sa mga tanong na:
"Bakit ngayon ka lang?"
"San ka galing?"
"Diretso ka ba mula Quezon?"
"Bakit nakakunot agad ang noo mo?"
"Gift ko, asan na?"
"Kumusta ang trabaho?"
"Sinong nililigawan mo ngayon? Estudyante?"
"Hindi mo na ba talaga ako mahal?"
"Ayaw mo nitong lollipop?"
"T-back, hipster, o see-through?"
"Ano ulit? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?"
Mabuti naman at nairaos ko ang araw na wala akong pinagbabalingan ng sama ng loob. Sa susunod na taon, ayaw ko nang lumuwas nang ganoong petsa kapag mataas na ang araw. Maigi pang pumunta na lang ako ng Baguio, ganoon din katagal. Kinabukasan, maayos naman ang biyahe pabalik ng Lucena, mga apat na oras lang dahil sa traffic, at maigi ring may katabi akong magandang binibining alumna ng UST. Masayang kasama, kahit na mukha siyang nagtanan na hindi sinipot ng kabiyak sa dami ng dala.
***
Mapagpalayang pasko
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Balbas
Sa mga hindi nakakakita sa akin nang matagal na, hindi pa ako nag-aahit, mga magtatatlong linggo na.As in hindi lang balbas, pati bigote at sideburns. Intentionally untidy ang mukha ko. Tuloy, ang mga tanong ng mga kaibigan, estudyante, at katrabaho.
***
Co-Faculty1: Sir, bakit naman ganyan ang hitsura mo?
Zaldy: Bakit?
Co-Faculty1: Ang pangit kasi pag ang haba ng balbas mo.
Zaldy: Lalo naman siguro ikaw, pag may balbas...
Co-Faculty1&2: hahaha!
***
Student1: Hi sir! May klase ka?
Zaldy: Wala pa.
Student 2: Ano'ng oras?
Zaldy: 2:30 pa nga eh, kakainip.
Student 2: Ahh...
Student1: Ano ba yan sir, ang amos mo na!
Zaldy: Ha? Amos ka dyan, hindi naman ako kumain.
Student2: Hindi yun, mag-ahit ka na kasi.
Zaldy: Pengeng pambili ng pang-ahit.
Student1: Nge!
Zaldy: Wala ka pala eh...
Student1: Pa-beso na lang.
Zaldy: Ha?
Student1: Sige na!
(rolls eyes and concedes)
***
(Sa bilihan ng banana que)
Teenage Friend(TF): Hi sir!
Zaldy: Hello girl.
TF: Kumusta naman yang banana que mo sir?
Zaldy: Drop that "sir", kilala mo na kaya ako noon pa bago ako maging prof.
TF: Hmp, ok.
Zaldy: Yan.
TF: Bakit naman ganyan ang mukha mo?
Zaldy: Bakit, may dumi?
TF: Maduming tingnan!
Zaldy: How?
TF: Ayan o! (holds zaldy's face, pulls him near a little) Ang gaspang na kaya. Mag-ahit ka na kasi...
Zaldy: (reflexively holds her waist, then checks himself) Yes, yes, I'd get to that some other time.
TF: Promise?
Zaldy: Promise. Oh ayan na yung tita mo, sumabay ka na (removes her hands)
TF: Ok! bye!
Zaldy: Bye.
***
Zaldy: Hoy babaeng lupa! May sayaw ba kayo?
Girl: Oo sir, sa 3. Nuod ka ha! Di ka nanuod nung sa convention center, dapat doon manuod ka.
Zaldy: Saan ba? A que hora?
Girl: Ha? sa Enverga gym. Hapon daw eh. Wag mo nga akong gamitan ng spanish.
Zaldy: Hayaan mo na, mukha ka namang Española.
Girl: Bakit ganyan hitsura mo?
Zaldy: Ha?
Girl: Mag-ahit ka na kaya...
Zaldy: Wala ngang pambili ng pang-ahit.
Girl: Magkano ba yun?
Zaldy: Php260. Yung Gilette Mach 3.
Girl: Sosyal! Hahaha
Zaldy: hahaha. Mag-aahit ako sa bertdey ko.
Girl: Kailan naman yun?
Zaldy: Sa May, hahaha
Girl: Hindi nga?
Zaldy: Sa December.
Girl: Talaga? Lapit na ah, anong date?
Zaldy: Basta mga 3 weeks from now.
Girl: SIge tingnan ko sa friendster.
Zaldy: Bye. May klase na ako.
Girl: Bye sir!
***
Mabuti na lang at hindi pa ako namememohan ng admin namin dahil sa hitsura ko. Hell, nagagawa ko naman ang trabaho ko kahit balasarado ako ah!
***
Co-Faculty1: Sir, bakit naman ganyan ang hitsura mo?
Zaldy: Bakit?
Co-Faculty1: Ang pangit kasi pag ang haba ng balbas mo.
Zaldy: Lalo naman siguro ikaw, pag may balbas...
Co-Faculty1&2: hahaha!
***
Student1: Hi sir! May klase ka?
Zaldy: Wala pa.
Student 2: Ano'ng oras?
Zaldy: 2:30 pa nga eh, kakainip.
Student 2: Ahh...
Student1: Ano ba yan sir, ang amos mo na!
Zaldy: Ha? Amos ka dyan, hindi naman ako kumain.
Student2: Hindi yun, mag-ahit ka na kasi.
Zaldy: Pengeng pambili ng pang-ahit.
Student1: Nge!
Zaldy: Wala ka pala eh...
Student1: Pa-beso na lang.
Zaldy: Ha?
Student1: Sige na!
(rolls eyes and concedes)
***
(Sa bilihan ng banana que)
Teenage Friend(TF): Hi sir!
Zaldy: Hello girl.
TF: Kumusta naman yang banana que mo sir?
Zaldy: Drop that "sir", kilala mo na kaya ako noon pa bago ako maging prof.
TF: Hmp, ok.
Zaldy: Yan.
TF: Bakit naman ganyan ang mukha mo?
Zaldy: Bakit, may dumi?
TF: Maduming tingnan!
Zaldy: How?
TF: Ayan o! (holds zaldy's face, pulls him near a little) Ang gaspang na kaya. Mag-ahit ka na kasi...
Zaldy: (reflexively holds her waist, then checks himself) Yes, yes, I'd get to that some other time.
TF: Promise?
Zaldy: Promise. Oh ayan na yung tita mo, sumabay ka na (removes her hands)
TF: Ok! bye!
Zaldy: Bye.
***
Zaldy: Hoy babaeng lupa! May sayaw ba kayo?
Girl: Oo sir, sa 3. Nuod ka ha! Di ka nanuod nung sa convention center, dapat doon manuod ka.
Zaldy: Saan ba? A que hora?
Girl: Ha? sa Enverga gym. Hapon daw eh. Wag mo nga akong gamitan ng spanish.
Zaldy: Hayaan mo na, mukha ka namang Española.
Girl: Bakit ganyan hitsura mo?
Zaldy: Ha?
Girl: Mag-ahit ka na kaya...
Zaldy: Wala ngang pambili ng pang-ahit.
Girl: Magkano ba yun?
Zaldy: Php260. Yung Gilette Mach 3.
Girl: Sosyal! Hahaha
Zaldy: hahaha. Mag-aahit ako sa bertdey ko.
Girl: Kailan naman yun?
Zaldy: Sa May, hahaha
Girl: Hindi nga?
Zaldy: Sa December.
Girl: Talaga? Lapit na ah, anong date?
Zaldy: Basta mga 3 weeks from now.
Girl: SIge tingnan ko sa friendster.
Zaldy: Bye. May klase na ako.
Girl: Bye sir!
***
Mabuti na lang at hindi pa ako namememohan ng admin namin dahil sa hitsura ko. Hell, nagagawa ko naman ang trabaho ko kahit balasarado ako ah!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Dread
This entry is in response to Arvin’s latest post, kind of.
IMAGINE THIS:
You're in your room, alone. With you is a 6-inch knife. You hold it and point it to yourself, your gut. Then you tell yourself, "What if I stab myself? What would happen? So what? Is there something to stop me from doing so?"
Nothing is holding you back. It's risk. It's freedom. It’s dreadful.
***
There are times that we feel paradoxically upset and scared when we are faced with something and that we have to act upon it. Especially if we have absolutely NO ONE to blame for it, no one accountable for that action, that if we mess up we’ll be the one in deep shit. Paradoxically because, most of us consciously think that we don’t need and we don’t want other people controlling our lives. What most people don’t realize is that its anguish when there’s no one accountable for our own actions, if we would be the only one blamable.
It’s terrible if nothing’s predetermined, horrible if there’s nothing to stop us from committing something, awful if on our every action, we’re all ALONE.
That is why many people would rather follow blindly the dictates of society, not realizing, or even thinking, that there are times that reality is irrelevant. Few people would find time to think what they really want, career, education, relationship etc, because they’re too scared to face the consequences. If one would only look on the “Consumer-cialization” of education, the point would be more obvious than the sun on a summer noon. Rather than exercise their free will, a lot of people foolishly let themselves be swept away by the trends of society.
Freedom obviously entails risk, and calls for the individual to be responsible for his/her actions. If you want to be able to go out freely on a Saturday night, you have to be responsible of what would happen. Parental permissions, assignments, knife fights, snipers, rape. If you want democracy, engage in healthy socio-political discourses. If you want something to change, go ahead and participate in changing it. A lot of people are clamoring for change and progress, but they’re not willing to get their lazy asses off their couches to contribute, too static not to leave their comfort zones, too scared to stand up for what they really believe in, for what is RIGHT.
Which brings me to another horrible truth: a lot of people don’t really think nowadays.
IMAGINE THIS:
You're in your room, alone. With you is a 6-inch knife. You hold it and point it to yourself, your gut. Then you tell yourself, "What if I stab myself? What would happen? So what? Is there something to stop me from doing so?"
Nothing is holding you back. It's risk. It's freedom. It’s dreadful.
***
There are times that we feel paradoxically upset and scared when we are faced with something and that we have to act upon it. Especially if we have absolutely NO ONE to blame for it, no one accountable for that action, that if we mess up we’ll be the one in deep shit. Paradoxically because, most of us consciously think that we don’t need and we don’t want other people controlling our lives. What most people don’t realize is that its anguish when there’s no one accountable for our own actions, if we would be the only one blamable.
It’s terrible if nothing’s predetermined, horrible if there’s nothing to stop us from committing something, awful if on our every action, we’re all ALONE.
That is why many people would rather follow blindly the dictates of society, not realizing, or even thinking, that there are times that reality is irrelevant. Few people would find time to think what they really want, career, education, relationship etc, because they’re too scared to face the consequences. If one would only look on the “Consumer-cialization” of education, the point would be more obvious than the sun on a summer noon. Rather than exercise their free will, a lot of people foolishly let themselves be swept away by the trends of society.
Freedom obviously entails risk, and calls for the individual to be responsible for his/her actions. If you want to be able to go out freely on a Saturday night, you have to be responsible of what would happen. Parental permissions, assignments, knife fights, snipers, rape. If you want democracy, engage in healthy socio-political discourses. If you want something to change, go ahead and participate in changing it. A lot of people are clamoring for change and progress, but they’re not willing to get their lazy asses off their couches to contribute, too static not to leave their comfort zones, too scared to stand up for what they really believe in, for what is RIGHT.
Which brings me to another horrible truth: a lot of people don’t really think nowadays.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
This ain't good
I took up a colorgenerics test at http://goldinuniverse.com/, twice, and these are the results.
I think I got too identified with Hugh Laurie's character, Dr. House.
This is not good, for now.
***
I think I got too identified with Hugh Laurie's character, Dr. House.
This is not good, for now.
***
the first one is:
Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.
You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.
You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.
You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.
The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this 'complex' by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.
the second one is here:
You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right.
You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.
You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.
You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.
You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
First Day
Tinatamad talaga akong pumasok kanina. At dahil nga alam kong wala namang saysay ang araw na to sa trabaho ko, nagpasya akong magpadala sa peer pressure nina Boris at Johann kagabi na "magpaantok." Euphemism lang namin yun sa pag-inom ng beer, bale naka-isang mucho kaming tatlo tapos tig-iisang San Mig Light na room temperature. Walang pulutan.
***
Alas siete ang kaisa-isang subject ko kanina. Rizal. Pag-akyat ko sa classroom, walang tao dahil naka-lock ang pinto. Kaya ayun, tumambay muna ako sa library na ilang talampakan lamang ang layo sa room na assigned sa akin. 5, 10, 15, 30mins, 1 hour. Pabalik-balik ako sa room na yon. Wala pa ring tao at hindi bukas ang room. Nang sumapit ang 8:30, bumaba na ako sa faculty room dahil tapos na ang klase ko doon. Eksaktong dating naman ng coordinator ng course na tinuturuan ko, bakit daw wala ako sa classroom. Sinabi ko ang dahilan at ang ginawa ko tungkol doon. Dapat daw kumuha ako ng susi sa guard, eh ano ba namang malay ko doon? Wala rin naman akong pagtatanungan na co-faculty dahil maaga pang masyado at wala rin namang nag-suggest.
***
Dumating naman ang coordinator ko at hinahanap ako, bakit daw wala ako doon sa room kaninang klase ko. Siyempre inulit ko lang yung kinwento ko kanina. Nasisi pa ako kasi 7:00 daw ang klase ko tapos before 7:10 daw ako pumasok dun sa room. Eh hindi nga kasi ako pwedeng pumasok dahil SARADO. Apat hanggang limang beses akong pabalik-balik sa room na yun pero sarado. Kung bakit naman kasi hindi pa nila pinabubuksan eh alam nilang may klase na. At alam ng lahat ng tao sa eskwelahan na first day pa lang kaya wala pang masyadong magpapapasok, orientation pa lang sa klase. Ako pa ang nasisi sa sablay na sistema. Give me a BREAK.
***
Ang galing ng buena-mano ko ngayong semestre, at may pakiwari akong hindi ito ang huli, na masusundan at masusundan pa ito
***
Alas siete ang kaisa-isang subject ko kanina. Rizal. Pag-akyat ko sa classroom, walang tao dahil naka-lock ang pinto. Kaya ayun, tumambay muna ako sa library na ilang talampakan lamang ang layo sa room na assigned sa akin. 5, 10, 15, 30mins, 1 hour. Pabalik-balik ako sa room na yon. Wala pa ring tao at hindi bukas ang room. Nang sumapit ang 8:30, bumaba na ako sa faculty room dahil tapos na ang klase ko doon. Eksaktong dating naman ng coordinator ng course na tinuturuan ko, bakit daw wala ako sa classroom. Sinabi ko ang dahilan at ang ginawa ko tungkol doon. Dapat daw kumuha ako ng susi sa guard, eh ano ba namang malay ko doon? Wala rin naman akong pagtatanungan na co-faculty dahil maaga pang masyado at wala rin namang nag-suggest.
***
Dumating naman ang coordinator ko at hinahanap ako, bakit daw wala ako doon sa room kaninang klase ko. Siyempre inulit ko lang yung kinwento ko kanina. Nasisi pa ako kasi 7:00 daw ang klase ko tapos before 7:10 daw ako pumasok dun sa room. Eh hindi nga kasi ako pwedeng pumasok dahil SARADO. Apat hanggang limang beses akong pabalik-balik sa room na yun pero sarado. Kung bakit naman kasi hindi pa nila pinabubuksan eh alam nilang may klase na. At alam ng lahat ng tao sa eskwelahan na first day pa lang kaya wala pang masyadong magpapapasok, orientation pa lang sa klase. Ako pa ang nasisi sa sablay na sistema. Give me a BREAK.
***
Ang galing ng buena-mano ko ngayong semestre, at may pakiwari akong hindi ito ang huli, na masusundan at masusundan pa ito
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Babala: Hindi ito Maganda
Nakakasawa nang maging mabait.
Seryoso.
Minsan kasi, yung mga binibigay mong bagay e mawawala na sa 'yo. Tulad na nga lang ng bait.
***
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE, AT LAST, PROVEN ME WRONG. KNOW HOW?
You made me think that maybe, maybe this time, people, friends, are more important and worthy than my ideals. But in your case, it's not. You're not. I bypassed the rules because of you and what did you do? Binalewala mo. At isang buwan mo nang itinatanggi sa akin yan. Pero guess what? Its not about what you say, its about what you do. Sabi ko kay Mai timw would tell kung tama ang ginawa ko. Ang bilis ng resulta: HINDI PALA.
Hindi na talaga ako maglalalapit sa mga taong hindi nag-iisip.
Fuck the weak. Sideways. Kung gago akong prof, ibabagsak kita. Pero suerte ka at hindi yun ang lumabas sa computation. Unlike you, numbers don't lie. I have been opening doors for you every step of the way because I'm a friend but you keep slamming them shut. Don't worry, I won't be doing that anymore. EVER. Kagaya ka na rin ng umabuso sa yo noon, kaya yun din ang ginawa mo sa akin. Hindi ka pala talaga nadadala. Pinagbigyan na nga kita, gusto mo pang makalusot sa katamaran mo. At huwag na huwag mong itatanong kung ano ba ang nagawa mo, dahil linuraan mo lang naman ako sa mukha.
Magsama kayong dalawa ng katipan mong wala nang respeto sa akin bilang kaibigan o kahit guro man lamang. Good luck na lang sa pagtatago ng relasyon ninyo, hindi tanga ang mga taga-school. Estudyante man o faculty. Halatang kayo na.
At ikaw, huwag kang double standard. Nakuha mo na nga ang kutson, pati lahat ng unan, gusto mo pa? I have been preventing this grief from turning into hatred, but you're pushing me too far. Gusto mo pala ng indifference, why can't tell it to my face, ha, my former favorite student? Bakit kailangang sabihin mo pa sa iba? Huwag kang mag-alala, dahil in transition na ako papunta doon. Hatred muna, tapos indifference na. Noong una, akala ko tiwala lang sa akin ang nawala, pati respeto pala. Pag nag-siezure ka sa proximity ko, sige papakialaman kita, susubuan kita ng wallet para naman hindi mo makagat yang dila mong wala nang ginawang maganda kundi sumabay sa mood ng pagtaas ng kilay mo. Ubos na ang bait ko, mind you.
If you don't want to have any connections with me anymore, then why the hell are you expecting courtesy from me? I won't stoop to your level of hypocrisy. You turned your back then when I arrived, then you expect me to be nice? I was always trying to resolve conflicts OPENLY, in a dialogue, yet you're always hiding something beneath your sleeves to stab me with. Like using my name as an adjective, as a common noun, like I'm some merciless fool who skins babies. I opened myself to you, and you just jammed your knife into my chest when I was wide open.
Tama ang sinabi ng kaibigan nyo, sana mapagtanto ninyo na ngang dalawa na lahat ng ginawa at sinabi namin ay tama at para sa inyo, bago pa kayo iwanan ng mga kaibigan ninyo. Huwag kang mag-alala, hindi lang ako ang may ganitong sentimyento. At huwag na kayong bumanat pa, dahil hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang kaya kong gawin. HUwag nyo nang subukin pang saktan ako ulit dahil baka gumanti na ako.
Sayang at nagtapos ang semestre na ganito ang nangyari sa atin. Pero napapaisip ako, naging magkaibigan nga ba talaga tayo?
Huwag na ninyong sagutin, at iikot lang ang mata ko.
Seryoso.
Minsan kasi, yung mga binibigay mong bagay e mawawala na sa 'yo. Tulad na nga lang ng bait.
***
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE, AT LAST, PROVEN ME WRONG. KNOW HOW?
You made me think that maybe, maybe this time, people, friends, are more important and worthy than my ideals. But in your case, it's not. You're not. I bypassed the rules because of you and what did you do? Binalewala mo. At isang buwan mo nang itinatanggi sa akin yan. Pero guess what? Its not about what you say, its about what you do. Sabi ko kay Mai timw would tell kung tama ang ginawa ko. Ang bilis ng resulta: HINDI PALA.
Hindi na talaga ako maglalalapit sa mga taong hindi nag-iisip.
Fuck the weak. Sideways. Kung gago akong prof, ibabagsak kita. Pero suerte ka at hindi yun ang lumabas sa computation. Unlike you, numbers don't lie. I have been opening doors for you every step of the way because I'm a friend but you keep slamming them shut. Don't worry, I won't be doing that anymore. EVER. Kagaya ka na rin ng umabuso sa yo noon, kaya yun din ang ginawa mo sa akin. Hindi ka pala talaga nadadala. Pinagbigyan na nga kita, gusto mo pang makalusot sa katamaran mo. At huwag na huwag mong itatanong kung ano ba ang nagawa mo, dahil linuraan mo lang naman ako sa mukha.
Magsama kayong dalawa ng katipan mong wala nang respeto sa akin bilang kaibigan o kahit guro man lamang. Good luck na lang sa pagtatago ng relasyon ninyo, hindi tanga ang mga taga-school. Estudyante man o faculty. Halatang kayo na.
At ikaw, huwag kang double standard. Nakuha mo na nga ang kutson, pati lahat ng unan, gusto mo pa? I have been preventing this grief from turning into hatred, but you're pushing me too far. Gusto mo pala ng indifference, why can't tell it to my face, ha, my former favorite student? Bakit kailangang sabihin mo pa sa iba? Huwag kang mag-alala, dahil in transition na ako papunta doon. Hatred muna, tapos indifference na. Noong una, akala ko tiwala lang sa akin ang nawala, pati respeto pala. Pag nag-siezure ka sa proximity ko, sige papakialaman kita, susubuan kita ng wallet para naman hindi mo makagat yang dila mong wala nang ginawang maganda kundi sumabay sa mood ng pagtaas ng kilay mo. Ubos na ang bait ko, mind you.
If you don't want to have any connections with me anymore, then why the hell are you expecting courtesy from me? I won't stoop to your level of hypocrisy. You turned your back then when I arrived, then you expect me to be nice? I was always trying to resolve conflicts OPENLY, in a dialogue, yet you're always hiding something beneath your sleeves to stab me with. Like using my name as an adjective, as a common noun, like I'm some merciless fool who skins babies. I opened myself to you, and you just jammed your knife into my chest when I was wide open.
Tama ang sinabi ng kaibigan nyo, sana mapagtanto ninyo na ngang dalawa na lahat ng ginawa at sinabi namin ay tama at para sa inyo, bago pa kayo iwanan ng mga kaibigan ninyo. Huwag kang mag-alala, hindi lang ako ang may ganitong sentimyento. At huwag na kayong bumanat pa, dahil hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang kaya kong gawin. HUwag nyo nang subukin pang saktan ako ulit dahil baka gumanti na ako.
Sayang at nagtapos ang semestre na ganito ang nangyari sa atin. Pero napapaisip ako, naging magkaibigan nga ba talaga tayo?
Huwag na ninyong sagutin, at iikot lang ang mata ko.
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