I was about to sleep, and I was thinking of what I could do that time to induce sleeping, and it occurred to me that I WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING GOOD LATELY. Then, in a flash of pure truth-seeking, I felt that I was worthless. I began to sob, then cry. I went outside of our house and sat beside my three dogs, still crying.
I was certain that night, or morning, that no one needs me. That I was worthless.
Yes, I always sought for simplicity, but what I found was emptiness, a void that sucks everything. Its that sinking feeling you have in the pit of your stomach, only in intercontinental scale.
Fuck it, am I too old for this?
It all seemed senseless. It seems that all the sacrifice that I made when I was still studying for the knowledge that I have now, it all seems to be for nothing. All the hardships, the stinginess, the skipped meals in exchange for photocopied materials, the almost-spoiled pork adobos and paksiw na galunggong for weeks, it seems that nothing's paying off these days.
What's wrong with this world? What I'm facing now is eerily close to indifference. I really think that if next semester, I'm still unemployed, I'll go crazy. E kung mamundok na lang nga kaya ako tulad ng binibiro ng mga kabarkada ko sa akin?
Sigmund Freud once said that the key to happiness is arbeiten und lieben, work and love-- and I have neither at the present.
What is worse than being able to see what you can in this world is being unable to do something about it, and fuck, its better doing something you might suspect that is wrong, but believing in it anyway. At least there's a chance that history would absolve you if ever you mistook something.
And it doubles, triples when you know no one's out there for you. Napakahirap ng walang pag-aalayan ng kung anumang gusto mong gawin. At the moment, I feel like I'm making a fool of myself, and there's nobody who would think I've done a temporary job. To wit: ako na lang ang hindi pa nakakaranas na magkaroon ng romantic relationship sa barkada namin. But then again, trabaho muna hahanapin ko.
Where shall my blood be spilled?
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