Demistifying Destiny

Those of you who would read this might very well read the whole thing before dismissing it. I DO NOT ask you to believe it. You are, however, hoped to consider it. Here goes...



Many people, those who are not critical in general and mushy in particular, believe in that annoying word that starts in D and ends in Y. I don't like that concept, or its synonyms, and considers it unproductive. The only version of it I believe is this: that all people would die. I only write about it because I need a diversion right now. It is, for me, counterproductive for a number of reasons, which, at this time, are all that I could think of:

~many people use it as an excuse for laziness and to elude from responsibility

~many use it as an excuse for not working their asses off to be better persons

~it hinders progressive and critical thinking

~it leads to unecessary acceptance of one's current situation

~blurs one's perspective on many issues

~the idea of it renders the human faculties useless (why think, if you would become something that's predestined?)


Now, now, I do not seek to erase the said concept for I, with all my bluster everywhere, could not do that at this time given my still considerably limited knowledge. However, this is I would do: DEMISTIFY it.

Everything in the social world (that was meant as a categorization only), even the notion of god, is socially constructed. That is, all of the things we experience cannot be detached to such factors as history, institutions, consciousness, geographical location, etc. Many people do not think this way. These people do not see and think that what is hapenning in their daily lives are determined NOT only by their actions and decisions as individuals but ALSO by the social environment that they are situated in. By the way (as evidently mentioned), it is not to say that people must rely solely in their deeds, because one can only do so much (consider the development phenomenology in this regard, how it has been revised several times). Moving on, it is very advantageous to not only consider, but to really think that all in this world are interrelated as Joey Ayala said: ang lahat ng bagay ay magkaugnay, magkaugnay ang lahat. Let us consider a fictional conversation about a young lad named Niko:


- Niko's a banker now, he's destined to be.

- No. If that is true, how?

- Well, his parents are bankers, so it makes sense.

- Uhm, no. That is merely the socialization of the individual in his own family, which , you might want to observe, is considerably close-knit. He wasn't born as a banker, he was raised and made to be one.

- It's good he's fated to work in Makati huh?

- Again, no. This is a situation of an off-shoot of his mindset in his career when he was still a student, which a lot of young people nowadays share-- the prestige of working in Makati.

- Maybe its destiny that he has a friend like you who does not believe in destiny eh?

- No, no. What the fuck are you saying?!


You see, by the example above, instead of relating a phenomenon in one's life as caused by such an abstract, alien and farfetched concept as destiny or fate, it would be wonderful to instead consider social events, forces and institutions as the determinants of an event or situation. This not, however, to say that individuals are judgemental dopes, solely coerced and manipulated by their environment, as this would also deny one of the fundamental ideas of the humanities: freedom. Instead of blaming one's misfortune to destiny or worse, to the almighty, it would be more responsible if one would think of the events that pieced up his/her shortcoming.

If one is in constant contact with an environment that posseses all the determinants and influences, explicit and implicit, to be someone someday, say, a doctor, then chances are he/she would indeed be one. Moreover, it is very arrogant and ignorant to assume that one's decisions are solely his/her own and not influenced by previous events in one's life. To top the cream with a cherry, its really reasonable and sensible to keep in mind that all phenomenon in one's life is in the middle of one's own conception and the social structures that influences his/her lifeworld or lebenswelt.

So, stop assuming that things naturally fall into place because they are destined to be.


My two cents.

What Is Your Work?

Saturday night.

*****

Its cool, its cool here inside Tania's cottage. Everybody's drinking beer and that tequila thing. Of all the people there, only three of us do not smoke. And I'm the only one who did not study nursing. Good thing.

Everybody's trying to catch up with everybody, and when it came down to me, there was the inevitable conversation...

"Ano nang trabaho mo?" someone asks.
"Wala pa nga eh." I say.
"Kala ko ba magtuturo ka na sa Sacred Heart?" another asks.
"Hindi nga ako natanggap kasi preferred ngayon ang may LET or MA." I verified.
"Dyan kaya sa McDo, naghahanap sila ng manager." someone suggested.
"Alam nyo naman na tinanggihan ko na nga yun. Ayoko ng ganung trabaho." I scoffed.

So on and so forth.

These friends of mine. They should've known better. My work? My type of work? Why ask me, when I am here, drinking so little, chatting, listening, wiping my teary eyes because everybody within two-feet radius of mine smokes? Why ask me if they get the same answers, my theme of not working for companies but FOR people?

Are all of my friends morons?

It even got to the point that I was gesturing extensively and raising my voice. Then some smart aleck in our group told me I was too picky on choosing my job. He did not italicized it but I will do here: picky. And I told them that I REALLY AM. Is this topic too much for the likes of them to figure the fucking thing out? Is it really that hard to understand my alternative views on such matters? I don't think so, given their degree of intelligence and IQ scores (as a lot of you know, above average grades are required for their course). They are just static, they think about things with their dreams, goals and frustrations, not with their already stagnant minds.

Same shit, they always try to equate happiness, fulfillment and success in terms of the sheer amount of material goods that they hopefully are to consume with their money, money earned from jobs and NOT careers. And worse, they try to hit me with their version of liberal or free thinking: "E ganun ang tingin namin e, anong pakialam mo? Bahala kami sa gagawin sa buhay namin."

Fuck. They don't realize that by thinking this way they are not free. That it doesn't mean that freedom is concerned by spending money on ALL things imaginable. The geist is this: by behaving as such, one is ENSLAVED by material goods, not the other way around.

And he smokes. That fool smokes. He's put on the freak suit now. Good fucking god no he does now. Another one about this next time.

*****

Adieu

awit, awit

Reveal the Remedy
Urbandub


this separation is killing me
you say I should’ve thought that
before I did what I have done
so easier to put the blame on you
I should’ve looked inside of me
But it’s all in vain as I try to explain
She pulls away…


We could’ve been more
Can we ever have these feelings again?
We should’ve been more
Maybe in time we’ll realize that maybe
Fate reveals the remedies
Making it feel like it will be like the first time.


Still the vision on my mind
Cuz now I realize it’s
so damn hard to give you up
no way out of this hole
can we ever have us back again?
let’s not start and put the blame part away
can you honestly say
you can see me with another one?
Another one, another chance with you
I want more, I want more, I want more.


Regretting it now
Can fate reveal to me?
The questions to why?
Reveal the remedy.


Could’ve been more
Should’ve been more
Maybe in time we’ll realize that maybe
That fate reveals the remedies
making it feel like it will be like the first time
just like the first time.

Wazak

Have been drinking last night until early morning. A friend of mine broke up with someone which in turn released a short chain of events too horrible to even menti--

So he broke up with her. We went at a bar and drank till 4 am. I consumed 4 bottles of Red Horse stallions and a considerable amount of that freakin' Generoso Brandy. I was fine, except for my sandals that lost a strap due to wear and tear. After I got home, I lay in our 16-year old sofa. I dozed off dreaming of persecution.

*****

Then, light. I'm awake, and it's past 8 in the morning. I sit up, asking my sister what's for breakfast and if she would like me to go buy food in the mar--

I am kicked from the inside. Or stabbed. A savate-style front kick with steel-tipped French shoes. Then I feel my tummy go wild, churning caviar inside. My mouth goes sour, and remembering that I'm post-drunk, I went to the bathroom, to the toilet, oh this garbage bin must be cleaned goddammit, and DWAAARRRRFFFFF! Throwing up, as I remember, is meant to make someone feel better. But now, its not working. I went to the kitchen, got iced water from the fridge, drink, and vomit again. Then I feel my limbs going cold. Suddenly I feel that I'm hunched over, weakened, beaten to a fucking pulp. I looked at the sofa. The sofa is my home, the sofa is the answer. If only I can...reach...the...sofa...

No one seems to take notice. Have I been shot? No. Perhaps. Yes. There wasn't any sound. But what if it was one of those techie silenced sniper rifles? No, i haven't been shot. But I am dying. Surely, at last.

I am dying, finally. I knew it, deserved it from the beginning. It's AIDS and I had it coming, with that "One Time When the Condom Broke with the Woman Who Had Been Around." But then I remember: I'm still a virgin.

I'm dying, at last. I get up and go to the bathroom and throw up again. Again. Then again. Everytime I take something, drink or eat, I throw it up. I have been puking at least more than ten times already when I feel a hot sensation in the back of my throat. Then I looked at the toilet bowl and there are drops of a black, mucous-like substance. Now I get it, I'm spitting up bile, pieces of my liver. I think of Cos Zicarelli gagging on spoiled pasta in one of their performances at Box. Maybe this is something more. A performance art! Yes, yes this! It would be beautiful and poetic and it hurts like a motherfucker. I'm not made for this. A human throat is not made to be passed through by such substances.

Fuck! This pain! Am I giving birth?! I am tough, I am ARMY TOUGH. But this is freakin' tearing me apart, acid all over my stomach, acid being kicked into my side by a thousand little French Armada fuckers, all inside my tummy. Can AIDS kill like this? Yes, yes. No, no, no.

*****

I have a resolution: NEVER TO DRINK AGAIN, I WILL HOLD IT FOR AS LONG AS I FUCKING CAN.

Transcribe...

Transcribe....

Isang araw, sa klase ng FIL2, may dalawang bored na estudyante ang nagpalipas ng oras.Nagpalitan ng mga saloobin, repleksyon, at iba't ibang reyalisasyon sa pamamagitan ng mga walang kapararakang tula. Isinulat ito sa piraso ng papel.

Oras: Sa pagitan ng 8-9:00pm
Lugar: Rm 105. St Raymund's Bldg. Faculty of Arts and Letters.

Mga tauhan: Pattot, Zaldy, boses ng Propesor sa background

Sa papel...

Zaldy: Malinaw ang bolpen ko. Ayos ba? Mini-stop yan, fooohl...

Pattot: (gumuhit ng zigzag na linya) Malinaw din tong akin. Arbor lang yan, dawg...

Zaldy: Oo nga. Mas maayos yung iyo tuminta. Akin na lang yan...geit..

Pattot: Ayoko. #!*%$@

Zaldy: Eh $%#@^!& ka pala boy...burger...

Pattot: (nagdrowing ng hugis 'pitutuy')

Zaldy:
May bakla sa may talipapa.
Nanghiram ng sandok sa tindera.
Bungangera, bungangera, bungangera.
Alin sa tingin mo?Alin ang mas malubha?

Pattot:
Ang bakla ay nakatulog sa talipapa.
Nagising sa kandungan ng isa pang bakla.
Nalito. Nagtinginan. Ngumanga.
"Pabili ng itlog na pula"

Zaldy:
Ang itlog na binili ay namumula.
May nilagay, sibuyas na nangangamatis,tadtad.
Kinamatis na iniulam sa malaswang tinapa.

Pattot:
Ang tahong ay nagpapahinga,nakalapat sa buhangin at nakatingala.
May alon na naligaw, humihiyaw.
Tinangay ang tahong na nauuhaw.
Sa dagat ay nauntog, nakabanggaang pusit.
Gumiling si pusit.
Na-arouse na!"Feel the heat"

Zaldy:
Dumaan na si Calamares,galing daw sa Marivelez.
Niyakap ng galamay ang tahong na kumerengkeng habang bumubulong.
Dinuduyan ng sunday ng along naging
saksi sa pagpasok sa kabibe ng saging
na dila ng malagkit na pusit.
Di mapigilan ang pagpuslit
ng kalandiang may kaalatan
sa gitna ng karagatan.
Kiskis, pawis, kiskis, pawis.

Pattot:
Kulang-kulang dalawang minuto
na ang nakaraan nang siya'y kumagat.
Ngayon ako'y nagaabang ng masasakyan.
Mausok. Maganda siguro kung haluan
ko pa ng usok ang usok nila.
Dalawang pilak, kapalit ay ginto.
Lugi ka pa?Babasain ang labi, kukurap.
Yan ang nagsilbing libangan.
Walapa ring humihinto.
Abang!Kasabay ng pagkalam ang aking
pagdighay. Nakakalito. Gutom
ako pero nakukuhang dumighay.
Ngunit, nagisip ako... Nagtanong.
"Busog lang ba ang may karapatang dumighay?"


At iyon na nga ang nangyari. Ilang minuto lamang ang lumipas ay nagdismiss na ang Propesor. Naging matagumpay ang dalawang damuho sa kanilang palipas oras. Nagkatotoo ang huling tula ni Pattot.