Lebenswelt

Menu for Tomorrow

2011-09-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Menu for tomorrow:

Ano kayang mailuto bukas? :)

Health Eco (1st Lesson)

2011-06-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

Economics: A social science concerned with using scarce resources to obtain maximum satisfaction of the unlimited material wants of society. Derived from the Greek terms oikia (household) and nomos (management). It has 4 components: production, income, employment and consumption.

Scarcity: Imbalance between the individual's desires and the means of satisfying those desires.

Natural / Free Good: Those endowed to us by nature of which no expense is involved.
Economic Good: Commodity or service that is useful to human beings but must be paid for.

Wants: a person's desires or preferences for specific ways of satisfying a basic need. (Basic = essential; Created = improvement of basic wants.)
*wants exceed resources necessary to obtain them
*therefore we must make choices
*choices lead to cost

Opportunity Cost: Monetary or other advantages surrendered for something in order to acquire it in competition with other potential users.

DIVISION OF ECONOMICS
Macroeconomics: Study of economic systems as a whole especially with reference to its general level of output. It considers consumers as a unit; focused on the structure and function.

Microeconomics: Study of individuals and small groups, particular households, firms. It studies economy in terms of individual areas and consumer behavior.

Fundamental Economic Questions:
1.) What goods and services must be produced and how much is to be produced?
2.) How shall these goods and services be produced?
3.) Who shall receive and use these goods and services?
4.) Is the economy’s capacity to produce developing over time?

ECONOMICS AND OTHER SCIENCES
1.) Geography – Economics development of society is always dependent on geographical factors.
2.) History – Historical events usually are heavily influenced by economic phenomena.
3.) Geology – Geological data is important on economic products such as petroleum and minerals.
4.) Politics – Economic decisions are always influenced by governmental policies.
5.) Home Economics – Development of subjects and practical skills necessary for good home management and family life.
6.) Sociology and Anthropology – Economic developments and consumer behavior are always influenced by cultural factors.
7.) Philosophy – Economists are guided by logical, ethical and moral principles when they formulate methods of organizing the economy.
8.) Mathematics – Algebraic symbols, variables and geometry can be used to formulate assumptions.
9.) Statistics – provides comparative data to help understand the complexities of a given economic condition.
10.) Psychology – Consumer behavior is heavily influenced by the individuals’ instincts and mental processes.
11.) Natural / Physical Science – Natural resources are needed to produce economic goods.

ECONOMIC SYSTEMS
1.) Capitalism: Economic system in which private individuals are free to invest their savings, purchase goods and hire labor as they wish to develop their enterprise.
a.) Pure – or laissez faire means that the government should not intervene with economic decisions.
b.) Modified – Government intervenes and regulates business up to a certain extent.
Rights: Private property, profits, business decisions and choice.

2.) Socialism: Aims at a collective or governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and control of the distribution of goods.

3.) Mixed Economies: Based on a mixture of public and private ownership of the means of production, and on a considerable public regulation of the business sector.

4.) Welfare States Economy: Ownership of income-producing property and its economic equivalent is widely diffused.

ECONOMIC RESOURCES / FACTORS OF PRODUCTION
1.) Land: All natural resources.
2.) Labor: Human activity that produces the goods or provides the services in demand in an economy.
3.) Capital: Any accumulated factors of production utilized to aid in the production of other goods.
4.) Entrepreneurial Ability: Needed to organize, own, promote, manage and assume the risks of business endeavour and to implement right decisions.
*Land and capital are considered property resources while Labor and entrepreneurial ability are human resources.
Economic Development refers to the transformation of natural resources into ever-more valuable processed goods and improvement of services, and the marketing of them. Hence, according to the constitution, it must be the attainment and promotion of the following:

1.) Better quality of life
2.) Gainful employment
3.) Economic Efficiency
4.) Price level stability
5.) Economic Freedom
6.) An equitable distribution of opportunity, income and wealth.
7.) Economic Security

On Senselessitive Inquiries

2010-06-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

- What's that?

- What?

- That, on your right foot. I saw it yesterday.

- Its a keloid.

- Oh. It's dark I can't see it.

- Yeah. So, can you pass me the peanuts?

- Here.

- Thanks.

- How bad?

- Is what?

- The fire, your keloid.

- Who said it was because of a fire?

- No one. I just assumed.

- You just... What?

* * * * *

- You can tell me about it, you know.

- What, what?

- I said you can tell me about it!

- Oh. Tell you what?

- The accident.

- Seriously?

- Yes.

- Here, at the bar? At the dance floor?

- You don't have to carry this around, you know.

- You've gotta be kidding me.

Prelim Handout for BSN2B (eu104)

2009-12-13T05:38:00.000-08:00

HANDOUT IN EU104

Value: Property of objects representing their degree of importance; something that makes an object worthwhile.

Propriety: The quality of being appropriate.

Oughtness: The state of being as a thing ought to be; rightness.

Objective Values: Those that are outside the individual and are not dependent upon perception or belief.

Morality: Ideal code of conduct and belief which would be preferred by the sane person under specified conditions.
- knowledge of right and wrong
- involves free will
- freedom to choice to follow or not

Characteristics of Moral Values:
1.) Reasonable and freely chosen
2.) Pre-eminent over human values
3.) Absolute
4.) Universal
5.) Obligatory

Aesthetic Value: Value which causes an object to be beautiful or to be a work of art.

"Pagkatao": The meaning of being human.

Personal Value: Developed from early life and evolve from circumstances with the external wold.
Cultural Value: Commonly held standards of right and wrong in a community or society.
Work Value: Set of values and beliefs based on hard work and diligence; belief in the moral benefit of hard work to enhance character.

Phenomenology: Philosophy that states that bias should be suspended in experiencing phenomenon to arrive at an accurate description of reality and/or truth.
Experiential Knowledge: Based on experience.
Conceptual Knowledge: Based on second-hand concepts.

Faith: Confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea or thing. It involves future context, is transcendental and is beyond reason.
- The object of faith is its realization, a greater understanding of God.

Prelim Handout for HRM1F (eu100b)

2009-12-13T03:18:00.001-08:00

HANDOUT IN EU 100B

Personality: Embodiment of feelings and behavior which makes man the unique person that he is.

Components of Personality:

1. Habits – Actions so often repeated at regular intervals until they become fixed characteristics.
2. Attitudes – Certain ways of viewing things as acquired through years of exposure.
3. Interest – Natural inclination to focus one’s concern towards a specific area of work.
4. Values – Ways of upholding certain priorities in accordance with hierarchy of needs.
5. Principles – Guides to a person in making judgments.
6. Intellectual Capacities – Innate faculty of the mind which gives the person power to discern, recognize and comprehend.

Developing One’s Personality
1. Self Awareness – Indicates what kind of person you are.
2. Assessment of Personal Assets and Liabilities – based on intelligence, talents, resources, flexibilities and attractiveness.
3. Personal Effectiveness – Means how useful you are to yourself and other people.

Reasons for Developing Personality
1. Self Satisfaction
2. Self Confidence
3.To keep ourselves on the job.

Foundations of Personality
1. Mental – Intellectual Capacity .
2. Social – How well a person conducts himself with other people.
3. Physical – The physiological structure of individual.
4. Emotional – Emotional makeup.
5. Moral – Awareness of right and wrong.
6. Spiritual – Consciousness of higher values in life.

External Attributes of Personality
1. Physical Health
2. Hygiene
3. Grooming
4. Accessories
5. Make-up
6. Posture
7. Use of Color Combinations

Physical Health
1. Brain 2. Exercise 3. Nutrition 4. Skin

Good Grooming: Appropriate clothes on appropriate occasions.
Essentials in Buying Clothes: Good fit, Good workmanship and Good Materials.
Accessories: Jewelry, shoes, bags.
Good Posture: State which enables the body to function to the best advantage.

Sociology

2009-11-30T04:11:00.000-08:00

Marami ako'ng nalimutang sabihin noong Biyernes. May paoutline-outline pa akong nalalaman sa kapirasong papel, hindi ko rin naman pala masusunod. Nag-alala kasi ako na baka masyadong mapahaba ang sasabihin ko noon, kaya tuloy, nawala ako sa wisyo.

Titiyagain ko na mailagay dito ang iba sa mga yon.

Binabawi ko na ang sinabi ko noong nasa kolehiyo ako, na hindi ko tiningnan ang pag-aaral ng Sociology dahil sa trabaho nito, na lagi ko lang muna iniisip na pag-aralan ang lipunan. Lingid pala sa nalalaman ko, lagi kong iniisip ang magiging trabaho ng nasa disiplina ko. At ang trabahong yun ay talagang gusto ko, kaya naman sabi ko nga nung Biyernes, talagang nagtiis ako ng isang taon na walang trabaho para mapapunta sa ninanais kong karera. Tatlo lang talaga ang gusto kong puntahan, at yun ang tatahakin talaga ng isang Sociology major: pananaliksik (research), community development, at akademya. Naroon ako ngayon sa ikatlo. Sa totoo lang, sulit ang paghihintay ko. Pati na ang pangungutya ng ibang tao, pati na ang pagdududa sa sarili. Hindi sa pagmamayabang kahit kilala akong mayabang, sa tuwing makikita at mararamdaman ko ang pagkamangha ng estudyante sa klase ko dahil sa pagpapaliwanag ko ng teorya, problema sa lipunan at kahit pagbibiro, pawi na ang pagod ko sa pagdidikta ng mga depinisyon at kung anu-ano pa. Paalala itong hindi talaga ako nagkamali.

Siyempre, bukod pa ang sinabi ni sir Batoon nung PTSA na tama naman talaga, kahit saan kami pumunta ay may trabaho kami. Sa isang banda, nakakatuwang isipin na kami na inaaral ang masasamang dulot ng division of labor ay hindi naman talaga napapasailalim nito, dahil sa totoo lang, hangga't may tao, may kakalagyan ang socio. Kung ang isang taga-Nursing ay magiging nurse, accountancy ay magiging accountant, hindi kami ganun, LAMPAS kami sa ganoong sistema.

Tuwang tuwa talaga ako sa batch ng 4th year ngayon. Dati, medyo banas talaga ako sa kanila. Medyo hindi ko talaga sila trip. Hindi ko pa sila masyadong kilala, iilan lang. Si Rap, joker. Si Roxy, mataray. Si Kat na magaling mangatwiran (yak, shifter). Si Harry, maangas noon (maldita na ngayon). Payat pa si Aika dati, crush ko pa sya nun (yiiiii F na F!). Si Ms. Agoncillo, akala ko dati Mr. Si Danzel, akala ko mukhang yosi at volleyball lang. Hindi ko nga kilala noon ang PM nila ngayon na si Claire na pseudo-ex pala ni...

Pasintabi lang po. But in all this bluster, I'm saying this with all the love in the world.

Pero noon yun, 3 years ago. Nakakahiya, ako itong nabigyan ng pagsasanay sa pananaliksik at namuhunan ng malaki sa teorya ng phenomenology, ako pa ang may angas na magkaroon ng bias noon. Sabi kasi nila noon, salitan ang batch na magagaling, kaya ngayon, mali ako. Lalo na noong Setyembre, nung pumunta ako sa TBS nila. Ang pinangangambahan kong pagka-OP (hindi order of preachers) ay hindi halos nangyari. May birtud yata ng pakikisama ang mga yun, kaya naman madali ko silang nakatrabaho bilang biglaang facilitator. Tuwang tuwa ako, isa iyon sa pinakamagagandang TBS na nangyari sa kasaysayan ng USTSS ngayong dekada. At ang PTSA na sinimulan namin noong 4th year kami at freshmen lang sila, maganda din. Sana mas maraming Alumni next time.

Sa mga alumni, lalo na sa mga ka-batch ko, alam kong may ilan sa kanila na ayaw pumunta dahil sa isang dahilan: nahihiya. Nahihiya dahil hindi nila pina-practice ang disiplina namin. Ok lang yan guys, tyagaan lang. Wag lang hayaan ang sariling mapako sa kinalalagyan at masaya tayong lahat. Sa may mga determinasyon, hindi maaaring hindi matupad ang pangarap; nauudyot lang.

Ipinagmamalaki ko talaga ang karera kong hindi naman masyadong malaki ang kita SA NGAYON (ayan ha, caps lock). Ang ikinaangas-angas ko noon sa AB, binawasan ko na muna ngayon kasi wala akong napalang maganda kung hindi ko tatabasan ng kaunti. Kung babanggain mo ang isang istraktura, konkreto man o ideya, malamang-lamang ikaw ang babagsak, masasaktan, mabibigo. Hindi naman ako tinuruan ng ganoon sa Community Development. Ang sabi nga ni Alinsky, work within the system, not against it. Nagpakumbaba ka na, nasa stratehiya ka pa. Two-for-one sale. Kung may ibabagsak, siguraduhing may itatayong panibago mas mainam. Kung hindi, para ka rin lang nang-giyera ng mahinang bansa dahil taliwas sila sa pinaniniwalaan mo. O kaya, rebeldeng walang napala at napatunayan.

Panalo talaga ang limang gabing pagbubuno ko ng final paper ko sa Trends in Social Development sa ilalim ni Ka Puroy noon. Huling semestre ko na noon sa kolehiyo. Tulpok sa keyboard, kutos sa sarili, kamot sa ulo, tulpok uli. Limang gabi ba namang pag-isipan ang tatahakin mong landas pagka-graduate, kundi ka ba naman lumabnaw ang utak at dadgain sa dibdib. Dagdagan pa ang pagbibigay ng isang teorya na susuporta sa kukuhain mong trabaho, tapos isi-synthesis. Matapos ang limang gabi, naipasa ko na ang limang pahinang laman ang Theory of Communicative Action ni Habermas at tatahakin ko sa akademya. Kung susumahin, parang mas maipagmamalaki ko pa iyon kaysa sa thesis ko. Dapat talaga, binibigyan ng ganoong paper ang 4th year taon-taon, para magising sila sa katotohanan at harapin ito.

Sabi ko kasi sa sarili ko noon na gusto ko ring sabihin sa mga dumalo ng PTSA noong Biyernes (kaso hindi ko nga nasabi), kundi ko makikita ang personal na karakter ko sa propesyon ko, ang pagkatao ko, binalewala ko lang ang labing-anim na taon kong pag-aaral sa pormal na edukasyon. Nag-utuan lang kami lahat ng mga nakasama ko sa pamantasan, kaklase ko, propesor, guidance counselor, kaibigang manunulat, seniors at lower batch, librarian at student assistans dahil sa pangungulit ko lagi sa Social Science at Journals section ng Central Library, nina manong guard, mga nagtitinda ng pagkain para kina manong guard (mura lang, P25 busog ka na), mga nagbasa ng sinulat ko sa publication, manggagawa sa Nestle, kabataan at katutubo sa Maligcong, magsasaka sa DRT at Laguna, Aeta sa Zambales, at higit sa lahat, ng sarili ko.

Marami nang nagyayaring utuan sa paligid ko sa dumaang dalawang dekada kong nabubuhay. Ayaw ko nang sumali pa. Sarili ko rin lang ang una't huli kong lolokohin, kaya hindi na lang.

Sa mga nasa larangan ng Sociology, makasama ko sana kayo sa salimuot ng lipunan at pagka-makulay ng ating disiplina. Hangga't mahigpit ang hawak, hangga't hindi bibitaw ang timpi. Ang inyong pagpupursige ay siya ko ring pagpapatuloy.

Meaning

2009-10-20T05:11:00.001-07:00

Admit it. We are not getting any younger.

***

The search for meaning occurs in every sane, and perhaps insane, person. It gives significance to what individuals do, especially those that they have already been doing for some time. As Weber suggests in his Verstehen, meaning takes time. Understanding the complexities of how meaning occurs is one of the cornerstones of comprehending what it is to be human in its most basic, yet most significant context: the world.

***

I have always found it imperative that sociology majors--and every individual who eschews stagnation for that matter--read and practice Mill's Sociological Imagination. It enables the identification of one's own problems into communal, social and global context; that they are not only personal, but is somehow shared by many in other parts of the world. The immediate goal here is a realization of a broader perspective in life. My Art Appreciation professor once told us that those who don't travel usually are narrow-minded, their world only that of their own minute sphere where everything is wishfully revolving around them, ONLY them. I have always been an outgoing person. My mother always laments that I am so "layas", even in college, even though she knows very well that community exposure-immersions are an essential element of my beloved major. These trips made me appreciate the readiness and smallness of similar things, that what binds uniformly all phenomenon is diversity itself. Hence, the inability, or rather the refusal, to appreciate diversity results in a painfully narrow horizon slimmer than that of a liver cancer patient's chance to survive.

***

The human genome is practically 99.9% similar, and that .1% results in the diversity of races all over the world. With that in mind, it is pretty safe to assume that the diverse problems of all humanity fall into just a few fundamental things. And so, losers, on a literal level, are they who spend a lot theirs and other people's time brooding on trivial matters, say, fashion trends, cellular phones and facebook connections.

***

Admit it. We are not getting any younger.

***

I totally agree with Rizal when he chastised his colleagues who were just gambling in Madrid way back 1800s. He said that youth is too precious to be wasted, to be spent on trivial and impractical matters. Boredom, when one is in his/her age of flowering youth, is obscene. It is sickening to know that many youth of today (people below, say 40) spend their time lolling about in the mall, farting around playing online games, pursuing jobs and not careers. What's more appalling is that most of the youth are already and willingly part of the system, of the lack of consciousness, of institutionalized oppression, of this culture of "utuan." This is a result of people not finding meaning in what they do, not knowing what they ought to do, of stagnation that is spreading through osmosis. What's depressing is that these people do not even resist the status quo and are willingly taking part on the perpetration of such abomination.

In a developing country like ours, we cannot afford feckless pluralism in such a scandalous scale, of not having a clear-cut goal of what to achieve as a community. Scattered activities are their appearances: like trash in the streets. There is almost no difference in having a false, conceited dream and not having any at all. Again, a paradox: that the realization of meaning or function is that you cannot attain one without the other. Doing something is not really meaningful if it has no real and beneficial purpose; having a purpose is not enough if it is not meaningful. Empty are the souls who go to work everyday and eventually hate everything and everyone in it because they get no real satisfaction from what they are doing. Its your work, your labor, and it's a very significant portion of human dignity. So if your work is meaningless, what does it say about your life? Do the math.

***

Its your life. When was the last time you did something meaningful for the first time? If its not now, when would you start to find meaning? Death is a possibility that is not only probable, but is sure to come. Anytime. Amidst the gamut of possibilities, we must find meaning, the would-be summary of our lives. Are the things that we do--in our youthful prime--serve a meaningful purpose? Do we really want the things we are doing? If yes, what kind of person are we then?

Life is short. Live it.

Admit it. We are not getting any younger.

Yawning Gap

2009-09-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what happened.

Far is that day in August when, after years of not being able to talk to each other, we enjoyed a meal together, catching up like we haven't seen each other twice as much as we really didn't. After that, the agreement a month later.

What I really do not understand is why someone would back out of an agreement wherein there would be no risk to that person, much less an investment. Worse, flaking out, unannounced to an agreement--a promise--is one of the most unethical thing a sane person would do to a friend.

I really believe that suspending, if not cutting, communication abruptly with another person amidst a small conflict is waaaaay off the line. One terrible thing really comes from that, the conflict escalates.

I really don't know what happened.

I don't know why since that meal at that fast food chain, you disappeared. It's still a puzzle for me whether you faded away slowly, like the ceasing early morning fog against the imposing sun, or just disappeared just like the same sun on an eclipse, warranting not only awe, but scorn. Scorn caused by such a mystery a sane person would not dare think about it, knowing all too well that its a waste of time.

People usually tell me that my pride's off the roof, but I respond with determined indignation, stating that this is only using my common sense. When you want different results, you obviously should do things differently, because doing the same deed would only produce similar off-shoots. And that is what I am doing. Knowing well enough that those insane (yes, they are) mood swings repeatedly and successfully caught me off guard since high school, I am not reacting to them the same way I did before: asking you what's the matter, saying sorry even if I'm clueless if I did something wrong, showing concern even if its not my problem anymore, but yours, as obvious as the floods in Manila earlier. And so I kept quiet, because in all honesty, like I always am to you, I'm tired. And modesty aside, I am true of heart.

I really don't know what happened.

What surprised and dismayed me is after all this time--a year, to be exact--you never talked to me. No message in any form, medium, venue. No excuses given (like you always do), much less a reason, for flaking on me that time. Our friends told me some things about you by then, but I just wish you tell that to my face, knowing all too well that they're not involved in this. They said you were in deep shit, and I also just hope you'd tell me that, because after all, we are/were friends by then. They told me "maybe this, maybe that", but really I'm fed up with maybes, with almost everything you do definitive of nothing but your indecisiveness, your decisions changing as skin cells are replaced, unabatedly.

Nobody, and that subset includes me, likes things hanging like this. It sure is a little bit exciting, even fun, when some things hang for only a short time, say, a dunk replay. But when when time passes by, you can't help thinking that that something you thought was hanging maybe isn't there anymore. And what's more inevitably appalling is that maybe it wasn't there hanging in the first place. That only you yourself thought it was, and what you did was painfully less than hopeful, but only wishful thinking. Nobody, except some Taoist hermits up the Szechuan mountains, like things hanging like this. Because when these things happen, these things break your heart.

I really don't know what happened.

I mean, I do know, more or less. I have pieces of the puzzle all together so I have the overall picture. Everybody lies, and so I'm concentrating on things that cannot lie. What I'm hoping for is that something happened beyond that, something more significant, meaningful. And after a year, I was hoping it would surface, since meaning takes considerable time. In all this bluster, I am believing that what happened, or lack thereof, was more meaningful than it appears to be. I take solace in that thought. And I really hope that I am right, because the only alternative is: what came to pass is like cheap crackers, painfully and plainly meaningless.

I don't know if I did something that hurt you, but that's so improbable, since it is you who walked away. But as I said, I'm tired of figuring you out. This time, if its not more productive, at least it's less painful figuring out what I really think rather than imploring what you are. There's hesitation finding out answers because lately when I do, the ones that turn up are more appalling and ridiculous than I expected--a bear tearing up a hive only to find that its full of wasps, not honeys and bees.

Honestly, I'm tired. Modesty aside, I am true of heart.

What Keeps Me Going

2009-07-28T07:54:00.001-07:00

I haven't been blogging for weeks now, and because of what happened earlier in school I thought would be worth mentioning here, here I am creating this post.

Most of you know that my salary is not at par with my needs, as I am tax-exempt from my profession of being a college instructor. Me still teaching here in Quezon is kinda far fetched, but still some things keep me going, and here is a short list.

***

1.) The respect. Even if the owner of the school or that lying bitch in Malacañang would be talking to me, they'll still be calling me "sir."

2.) It's fun being with young people, amidst the cacophony of stupidity and insecurity, I still find some students whom to challenge their beliefs with mine.

3.) Modesty aside, the awe that students express (mouths agape) when you pull of a kick ass explanation for something mundane or previously thought as insignificant. Its a good reminder of how good you are--and the weight loss and neurodermatitis you had to achieve that.

4.) Students telling you how tiresome the 3-hour subject can be at siesta hours but you can still tell some jokes to lighten the mood up.

5.) Students telling you how weird you are, in a good way, and they love it.

6.) Cute teenage girls saying "Nakakahiya namang tumabi kay sir, ang bango kasi!" out loud. Nuff said, haha.

7.) The same students that would surprise you by saying "Ayan sir, mabango na ako" after greetings during dismissal.

8.) Whole classes wanting to extend the class, even though its already dismissal time, and if possible via drinking sessions, because of your sociological and philosophical outpourings about religion and love life.

9.) The feeling that whatever success those young people you teach would achieve in later years, in whatever aspect, you somehow contributed to it.

10.) That feeling and knowledge that you are somehow at the same level, however trivial or ephemereal, with those professors you are idolizing in college. And that they call you "sir."

:-)

To Reiterate Identity and Attraction

2009-05-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, after thinking of heating two large cups of leftover coffees last night, l browsed my inbox and read something appallingly stupid, or stupidly appalling. A student-friend of mine forwarded a text message and it goes a little something like this:

Types of boyfriends:

[Unsettling and idiotic part deleted for the sake of sanity and purity of my blog and all]

Forward this to your friends to give their boyfriend a lesson (something to this effect).

Reflexively, I deleted the darn message. For those of you who know me well enough, I really find stupidity offensive, and the last thing that I want to see after waking up with our pitbull puppy beside me is some smart-ass, utterly stupid quote implying their backward view of how non-marital romantic relationships should go.

The content of the message was a list of 5 offenses that boyfriends allegedly commit on a usual basis. The author of that text was obviously painfully preoccupied with the task of making her boyfriend's life miserable by making herself the guy's ONLY preoccupation. This is not a reality check, this is truth revealed: Unless you're a respirator, dialysis machine or a pacemaker, YOU CANNOT BE THE FREAKING LIFE OF SOMEONE ELSE. When I was in elementary, I watched this movie with Goofy and his teenage son. As you all know, teenagers almost always antagonize their parents for a myriad of things. The enlightening conversation was:

Son: Can't you see, Dad? I have my own life now!

Goofy: I know! I just want to be a part of it. [Silence ensued]

To those people who think that they are the life of their significant other vice-versa, get lost. If what you believe and what you are doing implies that your life is not your own, or God's, you might as well inject concentrated potassium chloride into your jugular vein. Go hurl yourself to the mouth of mount Krakatoa and burn, after transferring half of your property to me, and half to charity. You're wasting good, water, air, space. You're wasting not only your time, but other people's too, by dragging them into your black hole of low self esteem instead of letting them live their lives fruitfully, free from your pathetic excuse of a life. Get a life, or else be eaten by crows.

When your boyfriend doesn't show up to your sudden and unnanounced date, with you assuming that he's an on-call doctor when it comes to you, which he is not, and instead plays basketball with his peers, do not get angry. You have every right to get annoyed, but not nagging. You are not his mother. He was certain that this day he's free and decides to come to that game with his friends, knowing all too well that his social circle is diminishing unabatedly because of YOU. So he's giving himself and his friends a break, to catch up with one another, to play ball, to be with them. Because after all, they are his friends, his support system, and they were there, presumably a decade ago, before you got into the picture. Go get a life.

When he's texting with another girl, it might be that, duh, he's got a cellphone and enough credit. It doesn't mean that he's flirting, it might be that someone is flirting with him, but before you are certain that he's reciprocating it, do not flood the Yangtze with your tears. Come to think of it, you haven't made the wrong choice, because when someone is trying to flirt with him, its a validation that he is indeed a fun guy to be with. Or just plain good-looking. You said you trust him, right? So show it. Go get a life.

When someone tells you that you are their life, back off and leave that person. Because that entails that unreasonable demands would ensue, demands that are uncalled for, dumbfounding, vicious and inhuman. Love is a wonderful and meaningful thing, and meaning is derived from wanting something even if you don't need it. And by this I mean significant wanting, not capricious ones.

Love is liberating, not restrictive. Rid yourself of old conventions about such things and seek and experience the real deal.

Mimosa Pudica

2009-05-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not really known for my rarely awkward moments, since I'm more known as someone who does that to other people. My nasty tendencies towards other people's object of fondness, and by this I mean those that are stupidly trivial and conventional, makes me shameless and other people shameful. I'm not really sure if I treasure these rare moments, yet I am weirdly fond of them. To wit: It is any day after having my daily workout, with friends opting for many drinks because of someone leaving two days away, and so calls for decent pulutan in the form of barbecued pork belly.

Since I am the most accustomed to cooking, we set off to buy meats and liquor on a nearby mall. There is some protest regarding the bought meat, prompting the following exchange:

Guy-with-the-Gs: Nakabili na kayo ng liempo?

Me: Oo.

Guy-with-the-Gs: Sarap nyan, yung may marinate na.

Me: Hindi yung may marinate ang binili ko. 230 yung meron eh, 180 lang to.

Guy-with-the-Gs: Ha?! Eh magkano lang ba ang difference nun?

Me: Cincuenta. Marami na tayong mabibili nun, exempla garati: isang 2 liter na soda.

Guy-with-the-Gs: Ang korni naman eh, nagtitipid masyado. Nabili mo na ba?

Me: Oo nga.

Guy-with-the-Gs: OK na yan.

Me: All the more reason this debate is pointless.

We leave the grocery, heading out to our friend's car outside. With approximately 6 meters before the door, someone comes out of a boutique with, presumably, her sister. Wearing a sleeveless shirt whose color is somewhat in the shade of yellow, her long hair tumbling down her shoulders, the girl looks at me. We lock eyes for about 3 seconds, then she smiles, waves. Since I was cut short on laughing on a friend's joke that time, I was already smiling, conveying a see-I'm-happy-to-be-with disposition. I waved back, exchanged greetings with her and continued to walk. The name's Kimi.

My friends were a little excited and asked me how old the pretty girl is. They always reflexively ask me that whenever they see me talking, greeting, dancing, or even just chatting in YM with someone pretty, since it's an inside joke within us, because of my profession. I told them she's 16, and someone almost immediately said something apalling: "Penge naman ako nun!" I just rolled my eyes and answered inquiries about what school, how and why we know each other blahblah.

Then, in a flash of pure truth-seeing, I recognized something: I'm wearing crappy clothes, those that are good for playing basketball in the street, but inappropriate for malls.

This is not something new. I usually wear shorts and t-shirts, especially when I go out to the gym. I always wear these things, after thinking what to wear, then remembering not to think what to wear, wearing what I have worn have I not thought of thinking what to wear, the look of no look at all. What's new is me being conscious about it. I felt awkward, having to meet her, at the mall, with me like I've been in the public market.

I don't know if this is a case of me being awkward in front of someone pretty. But then again its not really a bad thing, the girl's darn pretty by objective standards anyway.

Tinatablan na ba ako ng hiya ngayon sa mga hindi naman nakakahiyang bagay?

But then again, maybe that's not the case, because I'm still brutally honest. If I weren't, I wouldn't be here, writing this post.

OK, this is not about Taylor Swift

2009-04-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

Program 3, 25 minutes. There.

***

I envy Lyndon. He doesn’t jog, run on the treadmill or sweat in a stationary cycle but he’s already lean. He doesn’t look like someone who lifts weights for a living but he’s twice as strong as me, and to think that he was thin back in college. But then again, he rarely drinks, and so he manages his weight and physique like that. Unfortunately, that won’t work for me, not now, not here in Quezon where, it should be mentioned, that drinking is part of our way of living, or at least my peers, and so I am ostracized whenever I bail out of drinking sessions or leave early because I hate to lift weights the next day, post-drunk. Here I am, sweating my ass off this treadmill, wishing I could resist those fish nuggets for lunch, knowing it would be futile, but then again comforting myself that I should not be on a slimming diet because I don’t want to be found bloody and dismembered one day on the bench because of collapsing while lifting that 105-pound
barbell, the plates smeared with goo.

***

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

***

I should cover this screen. Running in this machine seem to take forever when I see these digits. I’ll cover everything but that heartbeat thing. There. Why on earth is Manuel playing this song, on loud speakers? This is too cheesy. But then again, I love the singer’s immaculate nose, she looking like an angel, would be ideal if we would be married 5 years from now. Ho-hum…

***

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

***

20 minutes, 5… is this kilometers per hour?

***

A writer-friend once told me that surrealists have “night journals” where they write whatever they remember of their dreams immediately after waking up. It’s kind of hard to do, really: an attempt to put on paper the contents of your subconscious that were depicted in your dreams the night before. Dreams, dreams, dreams.

Speaking of which, that one last night was weird, not really affecting though, just… entertained, sort of. To wit: it is a day in our subdivision where suddenly I’m on a couch with someone who is not cute, not hot, but beautiful. And she’s wearing that short black dress, kind of shiny too. She’s Psyche chased by Cupid, a clear lake beneath the floating mist, a bloom on a blanket of grass.

She’s Nami.

***

We were drinking, me, Paul, Lyndon and her. It is implied in the dream that something is happening between us, as evidenced by frequent giggles and moments of damn-I’m-melting-don’t-look-at-me-with-those-kay-rikit-sa-singkit-eyes-but-I-love-them. And then we were out of beer, and so we bought some more, going to the store side by side. Me shuffling and she gliding. As we arrive at the store she tells me that she has something to say, like something more important than the revision of neo-classical economics, whatever. I ask her what, but then again as she starts to talk, I wake up.

Though I have a disclaimer: Last night, I read her reply to my comment on her new album posted in multiply,com, and so that offers an explanation why the dreamed dawned on me while I was sleeping, given the fact that I wasn’t thinking of her or anything related to her before I sleep.

***

15 minutes, 6 kp/h: jog!

Look at that. My heartbeat’s over 110, and I think it’s because of this song, this tachycardia-causing tune. Haha.

***

Do I have to stop this? I know she has a boyfriend, and I have an idea that they’re already over a year now. Mas madaling hulihin ang manok na nakatali, but then again there’s the fact that I’m sort of friends with the guy, the horrible karma and most of all, it’s not the right thing to do. When she talks and I listen, it always dawns on me that this is my definition of wow, and I haven’t met someone like her before. That brain of hers is sexier than Cindy Kurleto, and that smile’s just a sight for sore eyes. The way we make fun of each other tickles me more than her fingers poking my ribs. She even called me up, when I was in Olongapo en route to Zambales a week ago, saying sorry, thinking I was mad because of a smart-ass comment she quipped. And my friends laughed at me because I was stupidly grinning the whole time. Think, think, think.

Perhaps I’ll just enjoy this for a while.

***

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

***

10 minutes, 8 kp/h: run run run!

***

I wonder if Nami remembers our first meeting, there in an event held by our organization in a small bar in Timog. I wonder if she knows me as the guy who, while drowning in the blaring juxtaposition of banging instruments, held up a phone in front of her, pointing to the screen where the words “naiintindihan mo ba yung tugtog?!” were typed since I’m not sure if she’d hear me. Come to think of it, we were sitting side by side back then. That simple gesture, born out of irritation and boredom, paved way to conversations with her and her friends, who were really n-i-c-e. I wonder if she thought what I thought back then, that it was odd, strange that instead of the usual exchange-of-numbers routine that people do, what we gave each other was, get this: blogs. Yes, url addresses of our respective blogs. Weird because we were sharing a common fondness about something as ephemeral as, say, literary works in blogs. I wonder if she knew that I was rolling my eyes when I saw someone in the crowd trying to hit on her, the poor fellow, not knowing it was over quickly. I wonder if she knows or if she has an idea about what I think, and if she knew about this work—

Anyway, privacy’s overrated and cheap, so I won’t hide this from her and other people.

***

There, finished. My shirt’s wet with sweat, feels good.

Oh, what would the mind be if not these cerebral exercises from time to time?

Roadwork Thoughts

2009-04-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

While jogging around Pacific Mall this morning, I was having random thoughts, so as to take my mind off my tiring body..

***

1.) A lot of [rich] people wonder why German Shepards die of heat stroke. Duh. Those dogs evolved in cold European climate, and their dogs are in the Philippines, what do they expect?

2.) I envy boxers' discipline. They wake up at around 4, and run and run and run. If you take that time studying something, what would your grades be?

3.) Another reason I envy them is that it's hard enough to jog, and its damn harder if your ribs ache like what mine did earlier. Your stamina would be HALVED. Imagine having to spar today, suffering from body blows or even strained muscles in your torso, then run tomorrow morning. It's hell.

4.) I wish I ate banana before doing my roadwork.

5.) Muscles are like toffee, you warm them up a little, then stretch. They're brittle if you stretch without warming up.

6.) Most old people here at this time make jogging look like a joke, theirs is jittery. Unlike one gray-haired jogger I saw who looks like he's a regular marathon runner, muscles firmer than mine, even the glutes. Haha.

7.) I will not be like these old people, who, because they are compelled by their doctor, family, or rheumatoid arthritis, exercise in their life too late.

8.) This wind is annoying, I can't feel my sweat because its evaporating too fast.

9.) So is this throat.

10.) And that doberman who shamelessly defecated in front of me, unmolested.

11.) Why are there people who bike around here, a place for jogging?

12.) I'll bring my jacket tomorrow as a warmer.

13.) Arvin is a no-show.

14.) Practicing boxing drills in front of a glass door brings people to stop--young people's mouth agape, busty women stop, religious people fall to their knees.

15.) I am really against weight control solely by reducing food intake. Having exercise is better, is pleasurable, since NO ONE would take pleasure in limiting their eating habits. You don't enjoy, become really healthy, and don't meet new friends because of just dieting.

16.) Speaking of diet, my ideal is a high protein, high fiber, high carbohydrate BUT low fat one.

17.) Stupid are those people who, in a trip to somewhere really far from their usual residences, say, something exotic, unusual and unfamiliar, look for fast food when they become hungry when really affordable and wonderful local cuisine is around.

18.) It's really hard limiting your drinks, especially when your peers have weekly ethanol-loving sprees.

19.) I'll have omelet later, with lots of peppers.

20.) I should get new running shoes. Mine's OK for the treadmill, but it won't work for shit on concrete or asphalt.

Distemper

2009-04-05T07:17:00.001-07:00

I just wasted 450 pesos, not to mention Johann's time and mine, on an ill-planned and ill-advised outing yesterday.

We were supposed to have this picnic at Villa Del Prado in Sariaya yesterday with my students, and the assembly time, take note, is 10:00 am. And so I woke up early, bought a kilo of chicken lollipops and cooked it, sweet and chili. My primary contact, a student-friend of mine, proposed to meet me 10:00 am at a waiting shed near the house of another student of mine (we were supposed to go there to COOK FOOD for this... this outing.) I arrived at the suggested meeting place at about 10:20, so as to give allowance if ever she would be late, too.

11:55 AM

See that? That's when she arrived. I was fuming, since she was clearly not displaying any appreciation and respect of my valuable time. And there she is, in a dressed-up-to-kill attire, telling me "Wala na akong load sir."

I did not speak, because I was cautioning myself not to explode, to wave my fist, to bang my head on the concrete, telling her pretty face that everything's supposed to be PULLED TAUT. That this time, time is money, is mana. Mind you: she did not apologize, and I don't know if she's thinking of doing that in the future. So I didn't talk to her, the whole picnic.

When we arrived at the house, her friends there (also my students) are not yet ready, haven't started cooking yet or even buying stuff to cook. There was some problem with money, which clearly they did not collected early. Since they are not prepared, are not anxious enough to arrive early and get things done especially when their p-r-o-f-e-s-s-o-r is with them, I asked for a glass of cold water to drink, to cool my head. And because I was hoping that things will get fine, I didn't leave.

Then stuff were bought and cooked (the latter by me). Because of other self-conceited-VIP-people, we got off at, again, take note of the time, 5:30pm. Can you imagine that?

12 hours later I realized something; that we have no food already and no money, so I told Johann that we'd have to go because it would be meaningless and impractical, not to mention downright stupid, to stay. And still no apologies made. So we left the resort at 5:30am this morning. The sunrise was immaculate, and the morning breeze the best I had in months.

There are times that impatience is a virtue.

To Sociology Majors

2009-03-25T05:08:00.000-07:00

I have been reviewing some key philosophical ideas for the past months, thanks to the following persons for being my inspiration:

- Dominic Gonzales and Adrian Alcala, ex-seminarian friends
- Mr. Jay Aureada, ex-seminarian and co-faculty of mine
- Tracy Llanera, the summa cum laude of our batch

They're all philosophy majors.

I taught that subject, Philosophy of Man, last semester, and have been astonished because of a fairly obvious thing: that the key for understanding Sociological theories is to have a firm grounding on the basic concepts of philosophy, be it classical or modern (I am not acquainted with post-modern thought just yet). This is a thing that I wasn't aware of long ago, because I'm a moron. My last semester's Socio-Anthro class was rather boring, since they were only 11 students, and were rather passive ones, and so I preoccupied myself with my 2 philosophy classes. And so I spent hours on the library couch reading this and that book, exclaiming "aha!" much to the surprise of the librarian many times, getting scolded because I was not in the faculty room during my consultation hours because I was studying somewhere else.

When my philosophical interest was reawakened, it set-off a series of I-am-such-a-fool-to-think-that-such-and-such chain of events so horrible to even mentio--

I was reacquainted with the 3 Giants of Greek Philosophy, which strengthened my grip on Comte, Sorokim, Durkheim, Weber and Marx. Concepts that were unknown and unclear to me years ago were now crystal. Leafing through pages of Kierkegaard, Sartre, Husserl, Nietzsche and Heidegger enabled me to understand and interpret more the theories of Phenomenology, Ethnomethodology, Structural Functionalism, and Communicative Action. A clearer glance at postmodernism, too. What surprised me is the strengthening of my faith when I read Aquinas and Augustine. Not to mention conversations about the basis of the Roman Catholic Faith while drinking every Thursday after the novena mass. I remember joining the TWG years ago to get my hands on more academic and creative pastiche. It helped me a lot.

Then a painful regret dawned on me: that its too bad I never bothered to consolidate my philosophical knowledge to understand sociology more.

This exactly why I was vomiting in the PICC restrooms two years ago, I don't want to graduate yet because of my inadequacies in my academics.

I would've excelled more on my academics, got higher grades in PolDy and LRT, not to mention a better thesis. I regret not knowing Tracy earlier, and not talking to my batchmate Leonel, her classmate, about these stuff not (really?) knowing that it'll be helpful to all of us. I was a fool forgetting that my inadequacies in Sociological theories is a result of my loose grip on philosophy. No wonder why Emanovich Batonivsky, that ex-seminarian who once slapped my own incompetence to my face 3 years ago, is so damn good. I envy those people, their academic rigidity to stay focused in these things. They are the people who would change the very face of the world, the people who, two decades from now, would be taught to all schools.

Sociology people: learn from them and let them learn from us. Learn from our professors in the university as much as you can, and use the skills in other subjects to complement the major ones. Remember what Vision and Mission means, what theory and practice is, because without the sufficient amount of both our 4 years in college would be futile. Never fall into that trap of learning more and more about less and less.

Sociology majors have been looked down upon for the past years, LET US NOT GIVE THEM REASONS TO DO THAT AGAIN.

Envy

2009-03-22T04:58:00.000-07:00

To whom? To TWG members / alumni.

I can't write, not even a single relevant or significant post in my blogs since January 25, much less something of literary value. This academic year's been a bitch for me. Although I got to work as a college instructor (modesty aside, in a ho-hum, so-so institution), it seems that since then, I have been in a sort of writer's block. Block, as in mental block in writing. Everytime that I get an idea of what to write, which also rarely happens since then, my pen would just end doodling on the paper. My eyes would just get watery staring at the screen in an attempt on changing the very face of the world with my text.

Worse, when I finally wrestled with myself into writing anything, usually in the form of a poem, or say a blog post like this, it'll just get butchered, not expressed even as a sigh, but a yelp. Instead of cooked sausages for breakfast, it'll be served looking like a mashed spam.

Pathetic, because everytime I see pictures of TWG alumni members in an activity like a workshop, forum, or just drinking beer, the more I refuse to succumb to the fact that the reason I cannot write is because I am not with them, although it seems that its obvious as the sun in midday. I cannot write because, it seems, as I am isolated from them, so am I isolated from literary practice. And to think that just after my graduation I have been hoping to improve my poetics, tch. So much so that when I imagine myself being with them in this or that event and the topic would be literature, I wouldn't be able to understand, much less keep up.

This year I don't remember writing anything with literary content, much less published on anything. Even managing to pass applications for workshops weren't done. I am not sure if this is to be blamed on my situation, or just my lack of organization and "talent," whatever that may be. I am thinking of being "invisible" from TWG people until I can write anything worthy of serious thought, but am not sure if this could be accomplished, or what would be accomplished by doing it.

As if being abused and degraded by my co-workers is not enough.

Fuck. I so hate this self doubt.

Was I really able to write?

Lactic Legs

2009-01-25T00:53:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, this semester started with me weighing 142 lbs. However, since my birthday, students and friends of mine have been treating me to a lot of stuff (beer, food, beer)and so that fairly OK weight has turned into a whopping 155 lbs. Before I get dismayed with my general health, I took things into my hands: Common-sense-less-carbohydrates-and-more-veggies diet and exercise.

My good friend, Manuel, has been bugging me to start working out again. I took the opportunity, and so for the past 2-3 weeks we have been into a sort of a gym-cardio-gym-cardio workout schedule. I go to his house thrice a week, run that semi-dreadful treadmill programs, stretch and work my ass off to shed some weight and tone my, uhm, physique. It's good, really, even though so many are the times that I can't reach my back to scrub it while bathing because of the pain and strainon my shoulders and arms.

Yesterday, a Saturday, is also included in our schedule. So I sweated my way out of that treadmill program # 3for 30 mins, stretched, and worked my way through bench presses, lat machine exercises, hammer and dumbell curls. After a gruelling 2-hour workout, I decided to warm down by doing some stretching again, shadow-boxing routines and working my legs.

I decided to do some boxing stuff by doing some hook-ducking footwork while carrying that 1.5kg medicine ball. The drill goes like this:

Your partner delivers slow hook punches, one at a time, while you carry that medicine ball with both hands in front of your chest. You duck a little and bend your knees a good deal to evade the hook while simultaneously working on a V-shaped footwork alternately to where your partner's punch came from. He steps back, then you two repeat the same procedure several times. 1 set consists of 40 repititions; 20 reps forward and 20 reps backward. I did 3 sets. Do the math.

I decided to do another set, a one-for-the-road thing. Then that's where the funny thing began.

When I bent my legs the first rep of that set, I froze. I can't move my legs, they were stiff and in GREAT PAIN. I think of lactic acids rushing to my leg muscles, busy overloaded trains jamming on a Dusseldorf station, people cursing the operators to their graves as if they just skinned babies.

Push 2 milligrams ativan. Stat!

My legs turned to wood, painful hardwood.

Wincing every second, I inched my way to a chair in a half-squat position. After taking some deep breaths and praying, I labored to stand up straight. Beads on my foreheads. Then I calmed myself, sat down, and massaged my thighs.

hehehehe... hehe...

Now I can't get up easily from bed, er.. bedding, since I sleep on the floor; can't quickly stand up from a chair, much less on a toilet seat; I canNOT freaking bend my knees without laughing painfully. Everytime my vastus lateralis flexes, fire shoots up to my gluteus maximus. Hopefully, on Tuesday, I can climb up the stairs to conduct my classes to room 301 of 2 different building in the campus.

This is insane, and I like this. I could use this stuff from time to time.

Kanino?

2008-12-24T20:44:00.001-08:00

Itinanong ko sa iyo
noon kung kanino ka
maaawa:

Sa nag-alay ng lubos
o sa kanyang nagtaboy
sa handog at nagkaila.

Ang Ayaw Ko Tuwing Kapaskuhan

2008-12-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

PESTENG TRAFFIC. Daig pa ang mga balang sa palayan kung mamerwisyo.

Lumuwas ako noong isang araw para umattend ng party sa Maynila. Lagi kong ginagawa iyon, apat na taon na. Pero nito lang ako nakaranas ng ganoong katinding traffic. Mula ala-una ng hapon hanggang alas-siete ng gabi ang naging byahe ko. Yaong karaniwang tatlong oras na biyahe, naging anim. Mabuti na lang at pasko at medyo mahaba ang pasensya ko, kundi kinain ko na yung paslit na kasama ng babaeng katabi ko sa bus. Sobrang likot, maya't maya tinapakan ang pantalon kong nanlimahid dahil sa sandalyas nya. Kapag ako nagkaanak at kailangang isama sa byahe, sasaksakan ko muna ng ketamine para walang malay.

Ayos na sana, aircon naman. Kaso matapos kong bumaba sa Megamall para maghanap ng banyo (habang naglalakad na parang si Jason Bourne sa Waterloo Station, south entrance), at sumakay ng bus papuntang Quezon City, napurnada na. Sobrang traffic na naman. Isa't kalahating oras akong nakatayo sa salimuot ng pagsakay ng bus sa rush hour. Yung puti kong kamiseta, puta na. Dirty white -- LITERAL. Masikip. Mausok. Maalikabok. Madumi.

Dumating ako sa venue namin nang nanggigitata na. Iwas ako agad sa mga dalagang nagtangkang humalik sa pisngi ko habang nakataas ang kamay at nagsasabing "Hep! Oiliness to ugliness ako. Mamaya na lang." Mabuti na lang at maraming pagkain, matapos ang halos 8 oras kong pakikipagbuno sa trapiko ay pinuno ko naman ng bihon, adobo, lechon, puto at dinuguan ang sikmura ko, habang sumasagot sa mga tanong na:

"Bakit ngayon ka lang?"

"San ka galing?"

"Diretso ka ba mula Quezon?"

"Bakit nakakunot agad ang noo mo?"

"Gift ko, asan na?"

"Kumusta ang trabaho?"

"Sinong nililigawan mo ngayon? Estudyante?"

"Hindi mo na ba talaga ako mahal?"

"Ayaw mo nitong lollipop?"

"T-back, hipster, o see-through?"

"Ano ulit? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?"

Mabuti naman at nairaos ko ang araw na wala akong pinagbabalingan ng sama ng loob. Sa susunod na taon, ayaw ko nang lumuwas nang ganoong petsa kapag mataas na ang araw. Maigi pang pumunta na lang ako ng Baguio, ganoon din katagal. Kinabukasan, maayos naman ang biyahe pabalik ng Lucena, mga apat na oras lang dahil sa traffic, at maigi ring may katabi akong magandang binibining alumna ng UST. Masayang kasama, kahit na mukha siyang nagtanan na hindi sinipot ng kabiyak sa dami ng dala.

***

Mapagpalayang pasko

Balbas

2008-11-29T02:32:00.000-08:00

Sa mga hindi nakakakita sa akin nang matagal na, hindi pa ako nag-aahit, mga magtatatlong linggo na.As in hindi lang balbas, pati bigote at sideburns. Intentionally untidy ang mukha ko. Tuloy, ang mga tanong ng mga kaibigan, estudyante, at katrabaho.

***
Co-Faculty1: Sir, bakit naman ganyan ang hitsura mo?
Zaldy: Bakit?
Co-Faculty1: Ang pangit kasi pag ang haba ng balbas mo.
Zaldy: Lalo naman siguro ikaw, pag may balbas...
Co-Faculty1&2: hahaha!

***
Student1: Hi sir! May klase ka?
Zaldy: Wala pa.
Student 2: Ano'ng oras?
Zaldy: 2:30 pa nga eh, kakainip.
Student 2: Ahh...
Student1: Ano ba yan sir, ang amos mo na!
Zaldy: Ha? Amos ka dyan, hindi naman ako kumain.
Student2: Hindi yun, mag-ahit ka na kasi.
Zaldy: Pengeng pambili ng pang-ahit.
Student1: Nge!
Zaldy: Wala ka pala eh...
Student1: Pa-beso na lang.
Zaldy: Ha?
Student1: Sige na!
(rolls eyes and concedes)

***

(Sa bilihan ng banana que)

Teenage Friend(TF): Hi sir!
Zaldy: Hello girl.
TF: Kumusta naman yang banana que mo sir?
Zaldy: Drop that "sir", kilala mo na kaya ako noon pa bago ako maging prof.
TF: Hmp, ok.
Zaldy: Yan.
TF: Bakit naman ganyan ang mukha mo?
Zaldy: Bakit, may dumi?
TF: Maduming tingnan!
Zaldy: How?
TF: Ayan o! (holds zaldy's face, pulls him near a little) Ang gaspang na kaya. Mag-ahit ka na kasi...
Zaldy: (reflexively holds her waist, then checks himself) Yes, yes, I'd get to that some other time.
TF: Promise?
Zaldy: Promise. Oh ayan na yung tita mo, sumabay ka na (removes her hands)
TF: Ok! bye!
Zaldy: Bye.

***

Zaldy: Hoy babaeng lupa! May sayaw ba kayo?
Girl: Oo sir, sa 3. Nuod ka ha! Di ka nanuod nung sa convention center, dapat doon manuod ka.
Zaldy: Saan ba? A que hora?
Girl: Ha? sa Enverga gym. Hapon daw eh. Wag mo nga akong gamitan ng spanish.
Zaldy: Hayaan mo na, mukha ka namang Española.
Girl: Bakit ganyan hitsura mo?
Zaldy: Ha?
Girl: Mag-ahit ka na kaya...
Zaldy: Wala ngang pambili ng pang-ahit.
Girl: Magkano ba yun?
Zaldy: Php260. Yung Gilette Mach 3.
Girl: Sosyal! Hahaha
Zaldy: hahaha. Mag-aahit ako sa bertdey ko.
Girl: Kailan naman yun?
Zaldy: Sa May, hahaha
Girl: Hindi nga?
Zaldy: Sa December.
Girl: Talaga? Lapit na ah, anong date?
Zaldy: Basta mga 3 weeks from now.
Girl: SIge tingnan ko sa friendster.
Zaldy: Bye. May klase na ako.
Girl: Bye sir!

***

Mabuti na lang at hindi pa ako namememohan ng admin namin dahil sa hitsura ko. Hell, nagagawa ko naman ang trabaho ko kahit balasarado ako ah!

Dread

2008-11-21T02:17:00.000-08:00

This entry is in response to Arvin’s latest post, kind of.

IMAGINE THIS:

You're in your room, alone. With you is a 6-inch knife. You hold it and point it to yourself, your gut. Then you tell yourself, "What if I stab myself? What would happen? So what? Is there something to stop me from doing so?"

Nothing is holding you back. It's risk. It's freedom. It’s dreadful.

***

There are times that we feel paradoxically upset and scared when we are faced with something and that we have to act upon it. Especially if we have absolutely NO ONE to blame for it, no one accountable for that action, that if we mess up we’ll be the one in deep shit. Paradoxically because, most of us consciously think that we don’t need and we don’t want other people controlling our lives. What most people don’t realize is that its anguish when there’s no one accountable for our own actions, if we would be the only one blamable.

It’s terrible if nothing’s predetermined, horrible if there’s nothing to stop us from committing something, awful if on our every action, we’re all ALONE.

That is why many people would rather follow blindly the dictates of society, not realizing, or even thinking, that there are times that reality is irrelevant. Few people would find time to think what they really want, career, education, relationship etc, because they’re too scared to face the consequences. If one would only look on the “Consumer-cialization” of education, the point would be more obvious than the sun on a summer noon. Rather than exercise their free will, a lot of people foolishly let themselves be swept away by the trends of society.

Freedom obviously entails risk, and calls for the individual to be responsible for his/her actions. If you want to be able to go out freely on a Saturday night, you have to be responsible of what would happen. Parental permissions, assignments, knife fights, snipers, rape. If you want democracy, engage in healthy socio-political discourses. If you want something to change, go ahead and participate in changing it. A lot of people are clamoring for change and progress, but they’re not willing to get their lazy asses off their couches to contribute, too static not to leave their comfort zones, too scared to stand up for what they really believe in, for what is RIGHT.

Which brings me to another horrible truth: a lot of people don’t really think nowadays.

This ain't good

2008-11-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

I took up a colorgenerics test at http://goldinuniverse.com/, twice, and these are the results.
I think I got too identified with Hugh Laurie's character, Dr. House.
This is not good, for now.

***

the first one is:

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this 'complex' by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.

the second one is here:

You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

First Day

2008-11-09T19:50:00.001-08:00

Tinatamad talaga akong pumasok kanina. At dahil nga alam kong wala namang saysay ang araw na to sa trabaho ko, nagpasya akong magpadala sa peer pressure nina Boris at Johann kagabi na "magpaantok." Euphemism lang namin yun sa pag-inom ng beer, bale naka-isang mucho kaming tatlo tapos tig-iisang San Mig Light na room temperature. Walang pulutan.

***
Alas siete ang kaisa-isang subject ko kanina. Rizal. Pag-akyat ko sa classroom, walang tao dahil naka-lock ang pinto. Kaya ayun, tumambay muna ako sa library na ilang talampakan lamang ang layo sa room na assigned sa akin. 5, 10, 15, 30mins, 1 hour. Pabalik-balik ako sa room na yon. Wala pa ring tao at hindi bukas ang room. Nang sumapit ang 8:30, bumaba na ako sa faculty room dahil tapos na ang klase ko doon. Eksaktong dating naman ng coordinator ng course na tinuturuan ko, bakit daw wala ako sa classroom. Sinabi ko ang dahilan at ang ginawa ko tungkol doon. Dapat daw kumuha ako ng susi sa guard, eh ano ba namang malay ko doon? Wala rin naman akong pagtatanungan na co-faculty dahil maaga pang masyado at wala rin namang nag-suggest.

***
Dumating naman ang coordinator ko at hinahanap ako, bakit daw wala ako doon sa room kaninang klase ko. Siyempre inulit ko lang yung kinwento ko kanina. Nasisi pa ako kasi 7:00 daw ang klase ko tapos before 7:10 daw ako pumasok dun sa room. Eh hindi nga kasi ako pwedeng pumasok dahil SARADO. Apat hanggang limang beses akong pabalik-balik sa room na yun pero sarado. Kung bakit naman kasi hindi pa nila pinabubuksan eh alam nilang may klase na. At alam ng lahat ng tao sa eskwelahan na first day pa lang kaya wala pang masyadong magpapapasok, orientation pa lang sa klase. Ako pa ang nasisi sa sablay na sistema. Give me a BREAK.

***
Ang galing ng buena-mano ko ngayong semestre, at may pakiwari akong hindi ito ang huli, na masusundan at masusundan pa ito

Babala: Hindi ito Maganda

2008-10-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Nakakasawa nang maging mabait.

Seryoso.

Minsan kasi, yung mga binibigay mong bagay e mawawala na sa 'yo. Tulad na nga lang ng bait.

***

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE, AT LAST, PROVEN ME WRONG. KNOW HOW?

You made me think that maybe, maybe this time, people, friends, are more important and worthy than my ideals. But in your case, it's not. You're not. I bypassed the rules because of you and what did you do? Binalewala mo. At isang buwan mo nang itinatanggi sa akin yan. Pero guess what? Its not about what you say, its about what you do. Sabi ko kay Mai timw would tell kung tama ang ginawa ko. Ang bilis ng resulta: HINDI PALA.

Hindi na talaga ako maglalalapit sa mga taong hindi nag-iisip.

Fuck the weak. Sideways. Kung gago akong prof, ibabagsak kita. Pero suerte ka at hindi yun ang lumabas sa computation. Unlike you, numbers don't lie. I have been opening doors for you every step of the way because I'm a friend but you keep slamming them shut. Don't worry, I won't be doing that anymore. EVER. Kagaya ka na rin ng umabuso sa yo noon, kaya yun din ang ginawa mo sa akin. Hindi ka pala talaga nadadala. Pinagbigyan na nga kita, gusto mo pang makalusot sa katamaran mo. At huwag na huwag mong itatanong kung ano ba ang nagawa mo, dahil linuraan mo lang naman ako sa mukha.

Magsama kayong dalawa ng katipan mong wala nang respeto sa akin bilang kaibigan o kahit guro man lamang. Good luck na lang sa pagtatago ng relasyon ninyo, hindi tanga ang mga taga-school. Estudyante man o faculty. Halatang kayo na.

At ikaw, huwag kang double standard. Nakuha mo na nga ang kutson, pati lahat ng unan, gusto mo pa? I have been preventing this grief from turning into hatred, but you're pushing me too far. Gusto mo pala ng indifference, why can't tell it to my face, ha, my former favorite student? Bakit kailangang sabihin mo pa sa iba? Huwag kang mag-alala, dahil in transition na ako papunta doon. Hatred muna, tapos indifference na. Noong una, akala ko tiwala lang sa akin ang nawala, pati respeto pala. Pag nag-siezure ka sa proximity ko, sige papakialaman kita, susubuan kita ng wallet para naman hindi mo makagat yang dila mong wala nang ginawang maganda kundi sumabay sa mood ng pagtaas ng kilay mo. Ubos na ang bait ko, mind you.

If you don't want to have any connections with me anymore, then why the hell are you expecting courtesy from me? I won't stoop to your level of hypocrisy. You turned your back then when I arrived, then you expect me to be nice? I was always trying to resolve conflicts OPENLY, in a dialogue, yet you're always hiding something beneath your sleeves to stab me with. Like using my name as an adjective, as a common noun, like I'm some merciless fool who skins babies. I opened myself to you, and you just jammed your knife into my chest when I was wide open.

Tama ang sinabi ng kaibigan nyo, sana mapagtanto ninyo na ngang dalawa na lahat ng ginawa at sinabi namin ay tama at para sa inyo, bago pa kayo iwanan ng mga kaibigan ninyo. Huwag kang mag-alala, hindi lang ako ang may ganitong sentimyento. At huwag na kayong bumanat pa, dahil hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang kaya kong gawin. HUwag nyo nang subukin pang saktan ako ulit dahil baka gumanti na ako.

Sayang at nagtapos ang semestre na ganito ang nangyari sa atin. Pero napapaisip ako, naging magkaibigan nga ba talaga tayo?

Huwag na ninyong sagutin, at iikot lang ang mata ko.

Tough Love

2008-09-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

Nawasak ako nung last week, ngunit napagtanto kong sila pala ang wasak. Hahaha

****

TOUGH LOVE

~ If something is painful, it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. Masakit ang injection sa rabies. Kung mapait ang gamot, hindi nito ikinakaila ang bisa. Hindi nagiging tama ang mga kaawa-awa. Kadalasan, pag may masakit, may mali sa nakakaramdam nito.

~ Feelings don’t matter as long as something enabled you to be aware. It’s a actually a cheap price for consciousness. Feelings only matter as long as it drives us to do what is right.

~ Kaya tayo binigyan ng isip para mag-isip, ng pakiramdam para makiramdam, ng kakayanang magpasya upang malaman ang tama at mali. Sa mga nasasapak ko ng mga katotohanang ito, hindi ko ipapagpaumanhin ang mga nabulabog kong konsensya.

~ I don’t do things for the mere enjoyment of those around me. Eh di sana nagpaka-standup comedian na lang ako o nag-aral ako ng pagiging payaso.

~Risk enables us to survive. If you trust, there’s the risk of betrayal. If you care, there’s the risk of being taken for granted. Hindi ibig sabihin nito na iiwas ka na. Without taking these risks, would we ever live truly as humans?

~ Perseverance doesn’t equal worthiness. But it could be the prerequisite.

~ I should try to teach lessons, not students. (addendum?)

~ Do not scrutinize wisdom in academic debates and intellectual masturbation, it will lose its purity. Wisdom is like seeing clearly and doing accordingly.

~ Unconditional Love is bullshit. There’s always an exchange, equal or not. Ipokrita (o tanga) ka kung hindi ka umaasa ng kapalit sa anumang paraan o anyo.

~ Hindi madaling maniwala sa tama, gaano man kadali sa tingin ng ibang tao. At higit na mas mahirap manindigan dito. May naiitsa-puera, nasisirang pagkakaibigan, nabubulabog na katahimikan, naba-blacklist sa kumpanya, nasisisante, sinusunog sa harap ng madla, pinapatay sa Bagumbayan o kaya ay pinapako sa krus. Kung makakilala ka ng taong ganoon, nakapagaling mo kung hindi mo siya hihiwalayan.

~ Iba talaga ang mabait sa mabuti. May narinig ako noon na napakababait daw ng mga UST graduates dahil hindi sila nagrereklamo sa trabaho. Anak ng tinapang gubat, NAKAKAHIYA!

~ Hindi dahil mahirap, imposible. Lalo na kung kailangan itong gawin, talikuran mo man ang iyong sarili. Kung mahirap, pwede mo itong iwanan at piloting hindi pakinggan ang kulbit ng konsensya mo at panghihinayang. O pwede mo naman itong paghirapan at tahimik na matulog sa gabi.

~ Dumarating talaga ang pagkakataong magkakaroon lang ng saysay ang mga ginagawa mo, hindi ang sinasabi o iniisip lamang. Malay ba ng iba kung totoo yun, hindi ba?

~ Hindi ka pagtatakdaan o lilimitahan ng iba hangga’t hindi mo ito ginagawa sa iyong sarili. Kung may dapat mang sisihin sa pagkakagapos mo sa kung anuman, ikaw muna yon.

~ Kung papalpak sa mga ginagawa mo, siguraduhing solo ka lang sa hukay ng salimuot. Pwede ka naming humingi ng tulong sa kaibigan mo kapag nandoon ka na eh.

~ Ikaw ang una at huling makakaalam o makakadama kung gumagawa ka ng mabuti o niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo. Hubdan ang sarili sa katotohanan.

~ You cannot give what you do not have. So stop pretending, life is too short for it.

~ Kung may tama kang paninindigan, hindi na mahalaga ang lahat. Kung wala naman, wala nang halaga ang lahat. Magulo ano? Mas magulo kapag hindi mo ito mauunawaan.

~ What I give is tough love. Tough, hard-earned love. Kung babasahin mo ang personality type ko ayon kay Carl Jung (Individualistic Doer), baka medyo mahiwatigan mo pa. Pwede mong isiping pauso o imbento ko lang ito. Ngunit natutunan ko ito hindi lang sa paaralan, mga libro, mga kaibigan o guro kundi sa lipunang ginagalawan ko.

Absent Minded

2008-09-17T00:49:00.000-07:00

Lately, scenarios like these are happening to me.

***
SCENE 1

Student: Sir, pwede pa po bang kumuha ng exam?

Zaldy: At bakit hindi ka pa nakakakuha?

Student: Kasi sir wala pa po akong permit.

Zaldy: Ok, kaya mong mag-exam mamaya?

Student: Opo, ok lang po sir.

Zaldy: Fine. See me in the library after lunch.

Student: Thanks po.

Zaldy: Teka, bakit ba hindi ka kumuha last week?

Student: Sir? Nasabi ko na po sa inyo...

Zaldy: Ha? Ano nga ulit?

Student: Yung sa permit po.

Zaldy: Ah, ok ok.

SCENE 2

Zaldy: Saan tayo natapos last meeting?

Class: Sir sa kabiguan po ni Rizal sa Madrid.

Zaldy: Ah, so ano na ang kasunod na topic?

Class: Yun pong paghihiwalay nila ni Leonor Rivera.

Zaldy: {discusses the topic} Questions?

Class: ...

Zaldy: Excuse me, may tumatawag lang sa akin. {answers phone}

Class: {Murmur, murmur, murmur}

Zaldy: Ok, so where did we stopped last meeting?

Class: Ha? Sir naman, nadiscuss na nga yung next topic eh!

Zaldy: Alam ko naman yun ah!

***

According to Freudian psychoanalysis, absent-minded people are invariably thinking about sex. Being a psychology instructor, it bothers me to some extent. It seems that I HAVE been thinking about it, lately. Dahil lang siguro sa kalamigan, hahaha!

Sa Pantalan

2008-07-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

SA PANTALAN

Joseph de Luna Saguid

Ikatlong gabi.

Kay babaw ng kanilang tulog,

nakasalansan sa kongkretong

sahig ng pantalan.

Kaliwa't kanan ang kanilang pagbiling,

laging nagugulat sa kinamumulatang

mukha ng kapuwa nag-aabang.

Sa pagbabalik sa ibabaw ng tubig,

pinakakawalan ng mga sumisid

ang bunton ng kanilang hininga,

ang pangambang naipon sa mga baga.

Basahin sa kanilang mukha

ang katotohanang magiging lihim

ng dagat sa paglipas ng panahon.

Basahin sa kanilang mukha

ang mga salitang hindi maiwika

sa ilalim ng tubig: ang pag-ayaw

(kung maaari lamang suwayin ang utos)

sa muli't muling paglusong

upang maiahon ang trahedya

ng habampanahon.

Naidaong na ang lahat

ng mga bangkay.

Patuloy ang pagkaagnas

sa loob ng mga itim na bag,

nakasalansan sa kongkretong

sahig ng pantalan.

Hawak ang larawan, hinahanap

ng mga kamag-anak ang minamahal.

Walang mukhang maiharap

sa kanila ang mga patay.

Kung Paano Pa Maaaring Maunawaan Ang Diyos

2008-07-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

Kung Paano Pa Maaaring Maunawaan Ang Diyos
Joseph deLuna Saguid

Nang sa wakas mapasakamay ko ang pinakamalaking tinapay na nakita
Sa isang panaderya, hindi ako nagkasya sa basta na lamang pagtitig.
Kaya't pinaglakbay ko ang kanang palad sa kabuuan nito. Magaspang
Ang mga kumpol ng asukal, makinis ang mga ilang bahagi sa ibabaw.
Magandang tingnan ang tinapay bagaman walang tiyak na hugis anupa't
Napag-iisip pa ako ng ilang di-tiyak na hugis na maaari nitong maging
Anyo. Inilapit ko din ito sa aking ilong. Inamoy at wala akong naamoy
Na tiyak na amoy, ngunit mabango ang munti nitong pagkasunog. Kay-
Laki ng tinapay sa aking mga kamay ngunit walang pinagkaiba sa
Karaniwang tinapay na kailangang pagpira-pirasuhin upang magkasya
Sa buka ng bibig. Kaya't pinagpira-piraso ko ang tinapay. Nahulog sa
Kalsada ang pinakamaliliit na piraso sa pagkasira ng walang-hugis nitong
Anyo. Naisip ko, para sa mga langgam. Isinubo ko ang isang pirasong
Tamang-tama lamang sa maliit na buka ng aking bibig. Ang isang piraso,
Ibinigay ko sa taong-grasa kahit pa hindi siya nagsasalita para humingi
Ng kahit ano. Naisip ko lang, basta bigyan siya ng tinapay. Ibinukas niya
Ang kanang kamay para tanggapin ang tinapay. Sandali niya itong tiningnan,
At tulad ko, dinama, inamoy, at pinira-piraso—bago itinapon sa kanal.

Individualistic Doer (this second word rings another bell to me...)

2008-07-17T01:40:00.000-07:00

Got this one from Nachi. How come she always finds interesting things like this? Idol!

*****

Individualistic Doer (ID)

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Individualistic Doers are self-assured and very independent persons. They are quiet and realistic, very rational, extremely matter of fact persons. They strongly cultivate their individualism and enjoy applying their abilities to new tasks. But they are also very spontaneous and impulsive persons who like to follow their sudden inspirations. Individualistic Doers are good and precise observers who register everything which goes on around them. However, they are not so sensitive as regards interpersonal relations and are surprised when they occasionally rub someone up the wrong way with their direct and blunt manner. They are not particularly fond of obligations; but if you give them space, they are uncomplicated, sociable and cheerful individuals.

Individualistic Doers enjoy challenges - action and the odd kick are simply part of their life. They love tempting fate and many people of this type have risky hobbies such as skydiving or bungee jumping. This also applies to their workaday life. Individualistic Doers are in top form in critical situations; they can grasp situations, make decisions and take the necessary steps extremely quickly. Hierarchies and authorities impress them very little; if a superior is not competent, they will have little respect for him. Individualistic Doers like to take on responsibility. They have a marked sense of reality and always find the most suitable and expedient solution for a problem. They resolve conflicts openly and directly; here, they sometimes lack tact but are also very good at taking criticism themselves.

As friends, Individualistic Doers are loyal and devoted; they only have a few friendships but many of them last a lifetime. People enjoy talking to them because of their optimistic attitude to life and their ability to listen. However, they prefer to talk about mutual interests and hobbies rather than about theoretical or philosophical issues - they are not tangible enough for them. They need a lot of freedom and time to themselves in love relationships but, at the same time, they are also very tolerant towards their partners. It happens very seldom that Individualistic Doers fall head over heels in love. They are far too rational. They prefer to pick their partner on the basis of mutual interests and preferences which they want to share with that partner. Individualistic Doers are not particularly fond of effusive outbursts of emotion. They prefer to prove their love by their actions and expect the same of their partner. Whoever wishes to tie an Individualistic Doer to himself needs a lot of patience. It takes some time before this personality type is willing to get involved with another person.

On Identity and Attraction

2008-07-17T01:38:00.000-07:00

While I was nearing our house from school Thursday last week, I saw a girl standing outside our gate. I peeked over her umbrella and saw her face and was surprised that she's a student of mine. I invited her over to our apartment because it was nearing noon and the sun was power-tripping again. After settling down on the sofa, I asked her what on earth is she doing there and she told me our guy neighbor is her "bestfriend" and they had a fight (I didn't believe that they're only that). She seemed to be so into him that she immediately replaced his SIM card because of what happened which I didn't cared to explore anyway because I was so sure of its LAMENESS.

Before I slept later that night, I had an verifying epiphany while drinking my tea.

IF YOU WANT YOUR ROMANTIC DEVOTION TO ANOTHER PERSON BE RECIPROCATED AND MAKE YOU HAPPY, DEVOTE MORE TIME TO YOURSELF.

Healthy people (personality-wise) are more attracted and are more in love with someone who has a concrete identity, who has things really going on with one's life. Ergo, those who are, by themselves, sufficient enough and "complete".

It's better of someone would be with you not because that person needs you, but because that person WANTS to be with you.
I've seen countless people who devote their whole selves to the point that they'd leave their friends for that special someone and get dumped. It shows NEEDINESS, superficial neediness.

Needs that aren't really there. The need to be hugged. The need to be complimented. The need to be stroked with kindness every minute everyday. The need to have sex. The need to be given gifts (which usually are impractical and useLESS ones). The need to be given flowers (the plant's vagina). The need to have someone to ask them "kumain ka na?" or "nakauwi ka na?" The need to be taken care of. The need to have a relationship, no matter what. The need to be needed.

Have you ever experienced of quarelling or fighting with someone special (and its his fault) and the reconciliation is lubricated by him buying you flowers? His fault magically seems to disappear. Props like gifts are sweeter, but practical things are more sincere. Have you ever forgotten everything she did because of some hug or nibbling on your ear? It sucks.

Want a healthy relationship with a healthy partner? Get a LIFE! There's tons to talk about, enjoy, do and experience with people who have their own lives. Improving yourself for another person is LAME, especially if it's because of romance. Improve yourself because you want to, for yourself is the first and last one to appreciate that. Not him. Not her. Not even God. Not being needy makes someone wanted, as paradoxical or ironic as it may sound.

Go fix yourself before you sell your wares to the dating pool. Go fix yourself because you want to, not because of that someone. Because if that someone leaves, someone would be sprawled on the floor like a 10-foot Uno Stacko that just collapsed.

The Hierophant

2008-07-17T01:37:00.001-07:00

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Stupid Assumptions

2008-07-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

I was checking my students' research papers earlier and 7 of them had the same copies of one paper. They cheated, assuming that I won't be reading their papers. Ergo, 0, not 50, not 70 but 0. Then I read Joyce's blog and her friends opposition to what I said. Then I started thinking of some stupid assumptions by many people, which I have realized time and time again through testing it via ethnomethodological breaching (If you want, you can check that out by searching ethnomethodology's breaching experiments in the internet).

1.) Being NICE doesn't equal being good, just like speaking po and opo doesn't equal respect.

2.) The best things in life, contrary to popular and cliche-ish quotes, ain't for free. You get them in exchange for other very significant things, most of which we don't notice that we are clinging onto it.

3.) People who think that they should avoid conflict as much as possible must be stabbed in the eye. They have it coming always because of avoiding it.

4.) Don't trust the villagers, trust those who are in the same path as you are, those who are impartial to what you are experiencing. You don't serve sugar-coated sugar-flavored sugar balls to kids who have bad teeth. Hindi ka maglalagay ng asin sa patis. Don't confuse what's needed with what's being wanted. You'd be surprised to know that the opinion of people who won't really care really matter.

5.) Consenting DOES NOT equal understanding. People who readily say "naiintindihan kita" really don't unless they probe you.

6.) Just Being Yourself won't get you anywhere. And you're stupid to think that this would mean that you have to pretend.

7.) Trust, respect and other similar things must be earned. Wanting to believe the best in people ain't gonna make it true.

8.) When you hurt someone, it doesn't mean that you've done something wrong. It means there IS something wrong and you just found it. Only then can you know what's the right thing to do.

9.) "Depende sa tao yan" is one of the lamest excuse for not taking responsibility and thinking about what you do. There is no such thing as the "my world, your world", only one world exists (and dont bring me that alternate world stuff because it ain't gonna matter here and I don't care about it).

10.) "Kung kayo talaga, kayo talaga" is bull, and is the lamest excuse I could think of at the moment for not taking responsibility and using your God-given faculties to do something constructive.

11.) People are stupid. By that, you could see how they outgrow it and become wise.

12.) Understanding a situation without doing anything about it is useless. Acceptance therefore is genuine if you're working your ass off to get over it

13.) Unless you're in a coma, don't leave everything to God. He's already so busy with all prayers, complaints, requests and even curses. That's why He gave you the ability to think, which really would make you smart or smarter.

14.) Perseverance doesn't mean worthiness.

15.) Making up excuses is for stupid people and cowards, taking up responsibility is for smart ones. When people won't stand up to do what's required, what's right, trouble escalates to the benefit of no one.

As Dr. House said, "You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking."

Get it Going

2008-07-14T06:16:00.001-07:00

From Dneero. GO answer it!

Who's Fit?

2008-07-14T06:14:00.001-07:00

Another "Who's Fit" convo from dneero

Ikaw

2008-06-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

Oo, ikaw nga. Ikaw na tinatawag kong kasali sa Lindsay Lohan Generation.

Ikaw na nasasakop ng karaniwang salitang “kabataan”, ikaw na nakaasa pa rin sa magulang at tinatamasa ang mga karaniwang kumakalupkop sa walang saysay. Sasabihin ko ito sa iyo: kaiba ang likás sa normal. Hindi ito ang kaligayahan. Nagkakamali ka, kaya’t tumungo ka paminsan-minsan at huwag laging tingala at baka ka matisod.

Mag-isip ka kung ano talaga ang iyong nais, kung gusto mo ba talaga ito o pinahihintulutan mo lang ang dikta ng iba. At huwag mong ipagmamalaki na ito talaga ang gusto mo dahil kadalasan, hindi mo alam ang iyong sinasabi. Isip ang gamit sa pag-iisip at hindi pangarap.

Nag-aaral ka para matuto, hindi upang mag-trabaho.

At wala kang dahilan para hindi mag-aral ng mabuti kung pinapag-aral ka naman. Madali lang naman ang buhay, bawat karapatan ay may katapat na tungkulin. Kung karapatan mong mag-aral, tungkulin mong itaya ang buhay mo rito. Suportado ka ng mga sumusuporta sa ‘yo, kaya dapat lang na mag-aral ka ng maigi, di lang sa silid-aralan kundi pati sa labas. Iharap mo sa akin ang isang taong walang pakialam sa kaalaman at hindi lang salita ko ang tatarak sa kanyang tenga.

Hindi lahat ng pagtatakda ay nakasisiil.

Ikaw ang pinaka-masagana sa panahon at kakayahan, huwag mo itong tiimin sa kahunghangan ng media. Huwag na huwag mo ring ipagkakamali ang pahintulot sa pagkakaunawa at ang mabait sa mabuti. Tandaang inaakit tayo ng kagandahan palihis sa daan ng katotohanan. Kung sinasabi mong wala kang pakialam sa sinasabi ng iba, panindigan mo ito at huwag kang maki-uso. Nagkakasala ang sinumang nakayapos sa ilusyon ng sariling pagkakakilanlan. Hindi ikaw ang iyong kabuuan.

Who's Fit?

2008-06-08T20:41:00.001-07:00

Get it going with dNeero

2008-06-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

Refresher, hahaha!

2008-05-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

Not too much but… I think it’s a li’l refresher for me. Sorry about the emoricon stuff, can’t put it in the MS WORD.

*****

Zaldy: im back

Girl: oie

Zaldy: what gawa mu?

Girl: chat

Girl kaw?

Girl: san k?

Girl: ?

Zaldy: d2 aq quezon

Girl: layo ah

Girl: bakasyon?

Zaldy: ngeeee

Zaldy: tagarito kaya aq

Zaldy: J

Zaldy: ikaw {insert name} ha

Zaldy: nalilimutan mo

Girl: eh db nsa pasay k nkaraan?

Girl: taguig?

Zaldy: taguig

Zaldy: e di ba I was on a jobhunt then?

Zaldy: kaya aq nandun that time

Girl: anu nngyri?

Zaldy: aun

Zaldy: wala pa

Zaldy: pero may teaching demo ako next week

Girl: mgturo ka?

Zaldy: yup

Zaldy: d2

Girl: bkt d nlng sa ab?

Zaldy: st. anne college

Zaldy: mahigpit kasi ang MA policy sa UST ngaun e

Girl: y?

Zaldy: ewan q

Zaldy: dapat nasa thesis writing ka na ng MA mo

Girl: gnun

Girl: bkt d ka mgMA

Zaldy: walang pang-MA eh

Zaldy: hehe

Zaldy: cguro mga 3 years pa, UST na aq

Girl: gnun

Girl: haha

Girl: sayang nmn

Zaldy: mtgl na ung MA policy na un

Zaldy: 3rd year pa aq

Girl: gnun. k lng yan mgkjob k dn

Zaldy: tnx

Zaldy: teka...

Zaldy: bat ndi ka na nga pala sumagot sa akin last time?

Girl: kelan?

Zaldy: diba dapat may lakad tau?

Zaldy: hehe

Zaldy: :-?

Girl: oo nga noh

Girl: til now d pko nkpgpapic

Girl: haha

Girl: san nga b mlapit un?

Zaldy: victory liner there at españa

Zaldy: pero wala bang malapit sa school nyo?

Girl: ala eh

Girl: gusto ko mganda tlg

Girl: tpat ng uste

Zaldy: haha

Zaldy: ok ok

Zaldy: gusto mo tlg maganda ha?

Girl: cyempre

Zaldy: pwede na yang pic mo d2 sa YM

Zaldy: hehe

Girl: gnun

Girl: hahaha

Girl: kulet

Zaldy: alin?

Zaldy: ung pic?

Zaldy: sure u're not talking about that ryt?

Girl: kaw mkulet

Girl: hahaha

Zaldy: ako?

Zaldy: haha

Girl: opo

Zaldy: I really am, right?

Zaldy: kaw nmn parang ndi mo ko naging kaklase?

Zaldy: *kaklase

Girl: hahahaha

Zaldy: haha

Zaldy: I like it

Zaldy: ur pic, that is

Zaldy: J

Girl: alin?

Girl: ung pic sa ym now?

Zaldy: yup

Girl: pretty ksama ko noh?

Zaldy: yup

Zaldy: cnu xa?

Girl: haha

Girl: knina lng yan eh

Girl: clasm8 ko

Zaldy: aaah..

Zaldy: she's taller, yes, but...

Zaldy: nevermind

Girl: gnun

Girl: hahaha

Zaldy: san naman kau galing nyan at pareho pa kau ng suot?

Zaldy: J

Girl: haha

Girl: dto house knina

Zaldy: aaahh

Zaldy: anu meron?

Girl: ala

Girl: haha

Girl: pictorial lng

Zaldy: pictorial huh?

Zaldy: anung pictorial nmn?

Girl: ala

Girl: haha

Girl: pacute lng

Zaldy: pacute?

Zaldy: di na kau nagsawa?

Zaldy: haha

Girl: haha

Girl: d nmn

Girl: haha

Zaldy: san ka ngaun?

Girl: bhay po…

Girl: kaw?

Zaldy: bahay ng katropa ko

Girl: ah

Zaldy: 2log na cla eh, ako nlng ang gcng

Zaldy: do u have a webcam?

Girl: wla eh

Girl: kaw?

Zaldy: same

Zaldy: haha

Girl: bkt d kpa 2log?

Zaldy: may binabasa ako e

Girl: ano?

Zaldy: article about art

Girl: ah

Zaldy: ikaw {girl’s name}, ano nmn pinagkakaabalahan mo ngaung gabi?

Girl: chat lng

Girl: d pko mka2log eh

Zaldy: too bad wala kang web cam

Zaldy: haha

Zaldy: ano nmn iniicp mo at di ka maka2log?

Girl: ala nman

Zaldy: masama yan, it'll ruin ur beauty rest

Zaldy: J

Girl: hahaha

Girl: d rn

Girl: ala ko pasok tom

Zaldy: sabagay..

Zaldy: vacation kn

Zaldy: lots of time

Zaldy: doing anything

Zaldy: like, say, pagpapacute na pictorial

Girl: hahaha

Zaldy: pero...

Zaldy: kung ganyan din lang ang mga result ng pacute pictorial nyo.

Zaldy: then its worthwhile

Zaldy: J

Girl: gnun

Girl: *blush emoticon*

Zaldy: oh that's too bad

Zaldy: can't see that blush right now, personally...

Girl: gnun

Girl: mkkta mo dn

Zaldy: really?

Zaldy: omg

Girl: haha

Zaldy: can't wait for that

Zaldy: haha

Zaldy: ay anu ba tong cnsabi ko, nakakahiya...

Girl: sus

Zaldy: I cant even talk to you ryt now!

Girl: haha

Zaldy: J

Zaldy: ang tagal tagal na natin hindi nagkikita eh bumabanat aq ng ganito...

Girl: oo nga

Girl: haha

Girl: ala nb kyo gf mo?

Zaldy: ikaw kasi eh

Zaldy: this is all your fault

Girl: y?

Zaldy: you can't do this to me, I'm just a guy you know...

Zaldy: bigla ko 2loy naalala ung pic mo dati sa YM..

Girl: aling pic?

Zaldy: the one with your tongue out, ung provocative

Zaldy: J *wink emoticon*

Girl: y?

Girl: haha

Zaldy: wala nmn

Zaldy: I like it eh

Girl: haha

Girl: gnun

Zaldy: yup

Zaldy: but I guess I can't tell you that huh?

Zaldy: coz

Zaldy: u know...

Girl: y nmn?

Zaldy: tagal na antin ndi nagkikita...

Zaldy: u could've changed and everything..

Zaldy: I mean, yes, you look hotter now but that's common y'know

Girl: hahaha

Girl: gnun

Girl: tnx po

Zaldy: sure sure

Zaldy: naaah..

Zaldy: I was just thinking out loud...

Girl: kw tlga

Girl: d ka pa dn ngbgo

Girl: sweet kpa dn tlga

Zaldy: thanks...

Zaldy: but…

Zaldy: I have to disqualify myself on that

Zaldy: ako? sweet?

Zaldy: don't think so...

Girl: bkt nmn?

Zaldy: hot, pwede pa

Zaldy: J

Girl: hahahaha

Zaldy: anyway..

Zaldy: me? sweet?

Zaldy: I wonder what made you say that...

Girl: sweet ka nmn tlg before pa

Zaldy: tlg?

Zaldy: bat parang hindi ko matandaa?

Zaldy: *matandaan?

Zaldy: haha

Zaldy: how come? I mean, that's a bit odd. only a few people tell me that

Girl: feel ko lng nun sweet ka

Girl: till now nmn eh

Zaldy: *blush emoticon*

Zaldy: ikaw talaga...

Zaldy: hindi ka pa rin nagbabago

Zaldy: bolera ka pa rin

Zaldy: hahaha

Girl: nde ah

Girl: that's true

Zaldy: alin? ung bolera part?

Zaldy: haha

Girl: nope

Girl: ung sweet ka

Zaldy: aaaawww

Zaldy: y thank you {girl’s name}

Zaldy: alam mo ba...

Zaldy: I'm so glad na lumabas ako ngaun, kahit gabi na...

Zaldy: I mean, dapat tlg sa bahay lang ako, e na-bore ako…

Girl: ah

Girl: tlga

Girl: bkt nmn lumabas kpa

Zaldy: I was thinking: something ought to happen this night, its friday!

Zaldy: so I went out, nag-internet

Girl: ah

Zaldy: then you're here, chatting with me

Girl: haha

Zaldy: then you start your sweet-ka-naman-talaga-dati-pa talk

Zaldy: and you just made my evening right

Zaldy: J

Zaldy: omg! I am so gonna make you my Girlfriend!

Girl: tlga

Girl: 22o nmn eh

Girl: haha

Zaldy: I know I know

Zaldy: thanks ulet

Girl: ure welcome

Zaldy: haha

Girl: gtg

Zaldy: too bad

Girl: kelan ka OL ulet?

Zaldy: I dunno...

Zaldy: its not like every night is gonna be like this...

Girl: geh OL aku lge pg nyt

Girl: kw tlga

Zaldy: haha

Girl: ge po

Zaldy: really? gabi gabi ka?

Girl: yeah

Girl: nyt po

Zaldy: ok then....

Zaldy: gudnyt {girl’s name}

Zaldy: miss yah

Girl: ok

Girl: so do i..mwah

Zaldy: I'll see yah, maybe 2 weeks from now

Zaldy: mwah

Zaldy: *hug emoticon*

Zaldy: *kiss emoticon*

Girl: *kiss emoticon*

Girl: *hug emoticon*

Zaldy: nasau pa ba ung number ko?

Girl: yeah

Zaldy: ano nga ulit number mo?

Girl: {insert number}

Zaldy: saved

Zaldy: o well...

Zaldy: cgeh

Zaldy: gudnyt agn sweetie

Girl: okies

Girl: mwah

WANTED: Research Assistant

2008-05-03T11:46:00.001-07:00

Bahay Tuluyan is a non-profit organisation working with children in need of special protection (CNSP) in the Philippines. Bahay Tuluyan is currently providing alternative education and social services for children in Manila, Laguna and Quezon, Philippines.

A report has been published by a team of Australian Volunteers documenting the indiscriminate "rescue" of street children in Manila.

In line with this, the organization is looking for 6 Research Assistants. Any interested applicant could send their resume to info@bahaytuluyan.org. The project, I was told, is to be conducted from June - November this year (As a matter of fact, I already applied and had my initial interview 2 weeks ago).

Good Luck!

Haypotalamushy

2008-04-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

Oo, ikaw nga. Kilala mo ako, at hindi ako naghahambog. Lalong hindi nangungumbinsi. Basahin mo muna ito. Kung mababasag ka, mabuti. Kung hindi, mabuti, sana.

***

Nang matapos na akong mag-aral sa kolehiyo, akala ko ay lulubayan na ako ng mga suliranin sa pag-ibig (at/o libog) ngunit hindi pala. Ayos lang naman kung nandyan sila, ngunit may mga taong sadyang hindi madala-dala o matuto. Nakakatuwa din at may pagkukumparahan ng sarili. Ayos lang din naman yun, sana ay matuto na sila/tayong lahat sa salimuot ng pag-irog, namamangka ka man sa dalawang ilog o habol lamang ay libog.

Sa nakaraang dalawang linggo ay labing-isa na ang nakakausap ko tungkol sa problema nila sa kanilang mga inspirasyon at desperasyon. Ayos din lang, may dahilan para uminom at makakilala ng magagandang dilag (at kanilang magulang!) sa cafe. Nagtataka lang ako kung bakit pa sila namomroblema sa ganitong mga bagay na tila hindi alam kung ano ang gagawin gayong sila itong:

- media saturated
- media saturated sa mga programang tungkol sa pag-ibig
- paborito ang paksang yon kahit hindi aminin
- matalino

Kung manunuod ako ng palabas, mainam na rin na kuhain ko ang mga dapat kong matutunan. Kung panunoorin ko ang "Hitch", (wala akong maisip na ibang pelikula) siyempre hindi lang ako magpapakilig doon. Oobserbahan ko ang tiwala ni Will Smith sa sarili nya, ang pagka-alpha male nya, ang tamang panahon para magsinungaling at hindi, pagtugon sa pangangailangan ng isang babae at iba pa.

Matutuwa ako at matututo.

Dapat ring mapansin natin ang mga bagay na napapaloob sa "falsification of hollywood", yung mga tipong hindi naman talaga ganoon ang nangyayari sa totoong buhay. Kadalasan kasi, yung negatibong aspeto ng pelikula o palabas ang nakukuha ng tao dahil ito ang mas madaling mapansin, e.g. iyakan at sigalot. May mga magsasabing "KJ" ang sinasabi ko dahil hindi sila masisiyahan sa pinpanood nila, ngunit magkakagayon lamang kung kakapit pa rin tayo sa pananaw (at pag-aakala) na hiwalay ang damdamin at isip. Kung mahilig ka sa drama, maigi na makakuha ka ng aral dito kung paano mareresolba ang drama na iyon. Sa aking palagay, alipin ang tao ng media kung walang konkretong pagkatuto rito. Wala akong pakialam kung marami kang ginagawa at hindi mo na kaya pang mag-isip dahil kapos ka sa panahon (na hindi maaaring mangyari pagkat hindi pag-aari ninuman ang oras), kung may mga mas mahalagang problema, makabubuting bawasan muna ang pinagkakaabalahan o palitan ng mas makabuluhan. Hindi lang leksyon ang dapat matutunan sa paaralan kundi dunong. Pakatandaang maasap ang harayang umaapaw sa luha.

Pagpagin ang ilusyong nakakapit sa hangin na sarap lamang ang dadanasin sa pag-ibig.

Mawawangis mo lamang ang sariling palad kapag bahagya na itong malayo sa iyong balintataw.

Kung takot ka sa isang bagay, makabubuting suungin mo na rin ito kaysa hindi.

Hindi lang ikaw ang nagdurusa, may mas malalaking problema sa daigdig mo.

***

Kung mababasag ka, mabuti. Kung hindi, mabuti, sana.

Kita'y uminom sa galak at hindi lamang sa alak.

egg roll muna

2008-04-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

Got this from Anj, haha.

***

1. The phone rings, who do you want it to be...
- A good job offer for me.

2 . When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
- Hindi, kasi hindi naman ako gumagamit ng cart dahil hindi umaabot ng ganun karami binibili ko.

3. If you had to kiss again the last person you kissed, would you?
- Of course. Why not?

4. Do you take compliments well?
- Yes.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
- nope

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
- Yes, I'm wild. nyahaha

7 . If your house were on fire, what would be the first thing you would save?
- THING diba? My clothes.

8. Who was the last person you slept in the bed with?
- No way, we promissed not to kiss and tell eh. kekekeke

9. Who do you text the most?
- lately? Mia, Kat and some, err, teenagers.

10 . Favorite children's book?
- "Hindi Lang Pala Ilong Ang Pula Kay Rudolph"

11 . Eye color
- Dark brown

12. How tall are you?
- As tall as Bruce Lee.

13. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
- Labo nito ah.

14. Any secret admirers?
- Isa pa 'to. Haha :))

15. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
- Ha? Beer Garden, pwede pa.

16. Favorite place at home
- Duyan sa ilalim ng punong mangga. :]

17. Where was the farthest place you traveled?
- Bgy. Maligcong, Bontoc. I'd kill for such sceneries.

18. Do you like mustard?
- Sometimes.

19. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
- Eat. =D

21. Do you miss anyone? who?
- Anj, Celest, Joyce, 4SCL and TWG/Flame pips. Alak pa!

22. Can you do splits?
- Nung high school, nagka-Karate pa ako nun eh.

23. What movie do you want to see right now?
- Lost in Translation

24 . What did you do for New Year's Eve?
- Cook and sleep.

25 . Do you think The Grudge was creepy?
- No, its funny.

27. Was your mom a cheerleader?
- Hinde

28. What's the last letter of your middle name?
- Z

30. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
- 6-7

35. What do you wear to sleep?
- Summer ngayon, so shorts and shirts.

37. Is your hair straight or curly?
- Kulot, mofo

40. Do you like funny or serious people better?
- Stupid question, this.

42 . What is on your mind right now?
- Magkano kaya ang Premium?

43 . Any plans 4 tonight?
- Prepare for tomorrow's job interview.

44 . Whats your fav. song at the moment?
- Illumination by Earth, Wind and Fire

45 . Do you hate chocolate?
- Of course.

46 . What do you and your parents fight about the most?
- Roll my eyes.

47. Are you a gullible person
- Pakyu you.

48. Do you need a boyfriend/girl friend to be happy ?
- No. I don't want commitments.

49 . If you could have any job what would it be?
- Sociology or Political Dynamics professor in AB!

50. Are you easy to get along with?
- Ask yourself.

51. What is your favorite day?
- Sabado

52 . Are you generally a happy person?
- Generally? labo mehn.

Painful to be Private Preoccupations [Part IX]

2008-04-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

IX.

I am back in my hometown after graduation, the ceremony hassling us early in the morning, an extravagance lacking the joy and excitement like that of high school. To keep ourselves from being bored to tears, I and some of my friends chat, pace around, fool around in the comfort rooms, speculate and talk about how this or that student was able to graduate in spite of frequent and consecutive absences, laugh at our professors who are obviously bored too, the event thereafter being not as solemn as it meant to be.

In my hometown, I have been spending much of my time catching up with my friends, drinking almost every other night, and I am preoccupied with being preoccupied. Some of them begin to ask me what’s wrong, because they have been noticing that I am being too eager for social occasions, drinking too quickly, too sprightly, wanting to go out like there’s no tomorrow. I tell them that I’m ok, that maybe I just miss these random gatherings, or student life in Manila, while knowing all too well that there’s another reason. Worse, it amplifies when I am here, at our house, being home alone, because I have nothing to do—we don’t even have a network for our TV—and I don’t want to cook and eat again because I’ll just get heavier, and I’m not looking for a job yet.

I get my phone and send her a text message asking what is up, gently inquiring if she changed her mind for the picnic two weeks from now. She isn’t, so I kid around instead, telling her:

“Ganon? Sa kabila ng pagbalani ko sa iyong haraya?”

to which she replied:

“Oo, ganon. Balani someone else’s haraya.”

—she tells me that she has something to do. I think of something too, and decide that I’ll be going out and surf the internet and upload photos of my graduation.

□ □ □

While waiting for the photos to be uploaded, I log in to Yahoo Messenger and chat with my friends that are online too. Lyndon asks me how is it here at my hometown and how many months do I plan on being a bum. I tell him that I’ll going to look for a job next week when my resume gets done, that right now I am just enjoying myself, wanting to be preoccupied with something. He says I am indeed preoccupied not with something, but someone.

“Tama ka nga.” I say.

“Eh ano na ang plano mo ngayon?”

“Wala naman. Siguro bago kami pumuntang Zambales ng classmates ko, a day before the picnic, yayayain ko ulit siyang lumabas.”

”Talaga? Kahit alam mo nang futile?”

“Subukan ko lang, malay mo. Pero sa tingin ko, hindi uli papayag yun.”

“Sabagay. Tapos?”

“Anong tapos? Tapos siguro subukan ko ulit.”

“Pare malabo na yan, ikaw sa ating apat nina Paul at Ken ang talagang nakakaalam ng value of proximity.”

“Oo nga eh. Pero… ewan. Dito ko pa naman sa Quezon planong maghanap ng trabaho talaga.”

“Yun na nga eh. Ito na lang, may itatanong ako sa ‘yo.”

“Go. Shoot.”

“Handa ka bang mag-alay hindi lang ng panahon, pero pati na rin ng salapi, para sa tulad nya?”

“Ha? Eh… Ewan.”

“’Yan na nga mismo ang sinasabi ko eh.”

We change the topic and talk about how horrible Chuck Lidell’s striking is instead. Then he says he has some work to do and logs off. After uploading my photos, I log off too. I go out and think of some place I could go, alone. After deciding that I’ll go to a nearby mall and buy the book I have been planning to buy at Book Sale days ago, I start off, walking.

I think of Lyndon’s question; maybe it is a waste of time, maybe I was just chasing the wind. There is no more to do, nothing can be done, and my fault is not that I failed to date her, but that I have already spent too much time and effort for Joyce. Who knows? I begin to think of my career plans, and realize that it’s not advisable to pursue someone miles and miles away because the lack of proximity would eventually wear the both of us down, we who do not have such connection yet.

I walk through a street corner where a group of large men are drinking. Maybe this group would kill me; I’m in a place where everything is not only possible but probable. I will not be surprised. Foaming mouths, flying gin bottles, rocks wouldn’t startle me. Lahar, snipers, axe-wielding Orcish hordes—it’s conceivable. If these drunkards happen to be pissed drunk, and want to hurt someone who looks like a That’s Entertainment icon for catharsis or whatever grounds pissed drunkards hurt people, it will be me. I should take them out, now!

But they are just having fun, not minding me, so I just walk past them. Another block and I am at the mall, I go straight to Book Sale, excited of buying the book. After about half an hour of looking for it in the shelves and boxes, stumbling upon classics and self-help books, I finally ask a saleslady for help.

“Miss, nasan na kaya yung The Pied Piper’s Poison nyo? Yung medyo maliit na kulay light brown.”

She tells me that she’ll just check in their list if it has been sold, and when she comes back, she tells me it was. I thank her and leave, disappointed, sighing my way through the door.

That book, that novel, it was almost mine. I wasn’t able to buy it the first time I saw it there because I had no money back then—and now it’s being read by some other person who probably bought it because of its cover. Again, I’m feeling something, that feeling that I felt a week ago. It’s a sinking feeling you have, in the pit of your stomach, in the back of your ears, in your chest when it is devoid of something you never knew exactly what it is, but just felt that it was growing there before but then again you’re not sure if it’s really gone. When water reaches its boiling point, heating it further would just dry it up, so you just let it cool and wait for the time to heat it up again. But it pisses me off if you can’t do that anymore, because your fuel was exhausted already, because when it’s the other one’s turn to heat it, that other one refuses to do so for whatever reason that person have and you cannot do anything to change it. Every wall erected in your way you cannot penetrate, because climbing over it or smashing it would threaten to crumble everything.

It’s a terrible feeling: I don’t know if it’s possible to lose something—someone—you never had. And the worst part is at the moment that you’re feeling it, you can’t really do anything about it.

Maybe I have to wait, wait for another chance, at another Book Sale, at another time. Maybe the water shouldn’t be heated after all; maybe nobody needs it at this time. Perhaps, when that time comes, I’ll be having fuel again, and another one would heat the water too. I should back off for now, because it’s possible that I would find another way around those walls if I do.

I snap my fingers, click my tongue and hurry back to Book Sale; maybe I’ll buy another book, I might stumble on a better one this time.

[M]ethanol na may Babad

2008-04-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

- Ano’ng nakasulat?

- San?

- Dun sa article, kung article mang matatawag yun.

- Column.

- Whatever. Ano ngang sabi?

- Tinira yung AB, nothing new except… her basis.

- Which is?

- Basta may hybrid siya ng assessment at estimation sa quality ng education ng Journ at CA. Alam mo kung san niya binase?

- San?

- Sa equipments at facilities pare.

- Oh? Labo. Tapos nag-jump kagad siya sa overall situation ng AB?

- Ganun na nga.

- Sick. Dapat hindi siya nag-generalize kaagad no?

- Oo nga. Hindi katulad mo, sinusuri talaga ang bawat bahagi ng issue para walang masagasaan, may pasintabi.

- Naks, binola mo pa ako ah. Gago. Tumagay ka nga muna.

- Eh akin na yan.

***

- Sino ba siya?

- Eh di taga-AB, malamang.

- Oo nga. Ang sinasabi ko eh kung kilala mo siya.

- Hindi eh. Never heard, never seen, just read. Ngayon din lang yata.

- Oh? Ano bang nagawa nya para sa AB?

- Malay.

- Gumawa na ba siya ng ibang ingay liban dun?

- Malay.

- Sumasali ba siya sa community work?

- Malay.

- Kahit ano’ng movement sa AB?

- Malay.

- Eh wala naman pala siyang malay sa AB eh.

- Yun na nga eh.

- Maganda ba yun?

- Tanong ba yan ng isang barako o ng isang bading?

- Hmm… Pareho dear…

- Sa tingin ko hindi eh.

- Uy, playing safe.

- Gago, tingnan mo kaya pic nya sa dyaryo.

- Naiihi ako. Samahan mo ‘ko, kailangan ko ng bird handler.

***

- Ang banas pare.

- Kanino ka nababanas?

- Ang “banas” sa probinsya namin ang ibig sabihin eh mainit.

- Ah… Malamang, summer ngayon eh.

- Alam ko.

- E ano yang nginangalngal mo jan?

- Bawal bang dumaing?

- Hindi naman.

- Paano kaya didinggin ang daing ng mga estudyante dun?

- Naks, metaphor ba yan?

- Ay siya nga ano? Haha, gawa tayong tula tungkol dun!

- Pakyu.

- “Ma’am, san po kayo nakakakuha ng mga metaphors nyo?”

- Sinong may banat nyan?

- Yung bago, binanat nya kay kuwan.

- Seryoso?

- Oo men, wasak talaga.

- Ano’ng sabi ni lola?

- “Campus journalism is a shot in the arm.” Haha!

- Wasak! Kanino mo nasagap yang tsismis na yan?

- Sikret. Bili ka muna ng pisbol kay manong.

***

- Pagdaing ba yung ginawa nya dun?

- Parang hindi eh. Parang papansin lang.

- Wag kang ganyan. DL daw yun ah.

- Sinabi nya yun sa columns nya?!

- Gago e di hindi naman. Usap-usapan lang, pero totoo yun.

- Ay tangina DL din kaya ako. Half of my stay in college DL ako. Tapos tatae ako sa gitna ng lobby, sasabihin ko “Performance Art!”, tapos wag na silang papalag kasi consistent DL ako.

- Haha! Para mo na ring sinabing humane leader si Makoy dahil topnotcher siya sa Bar noon.

- I rest my case!

- Rest ka muna, wala na tayong cheyser. Bili muna ako.

***

- Ano yang cheyser natin? Mukhang matabang, ang linaw ng laman ng pitsel o.

- Inumin mo na lang. Tsaka hindi naman to pangtanggal-uhaw eh, pangtanggal lasa.

- Pa’no to makakatanggal ng lasa kung matabang?

- Natikman mo na ba? Hindi pa nga di ba?

- Ano nga kasi yang tinimpla mo?

- Lemonade.

- Leche.

***

- May gulo daw nung pageant ah.

- Scam?

- Parang.

- Pinagtatalunan nila yun?

- Oo.

- Anak ng tinapang gubat. Pati ba naman yun? Yun ngang rationale ng pageant eh wala nang kwenta tapos yun pa ilalagay nila sa diskurso nila. Yun yung mga bagay na pinagtatalunan ng mga walang mapag-usapan. Ang dami-daming issue ngayon tapos yan ang pinag-tatalunan nila.

- Oo nga eh. Naturingang liberal arts.

- Artlet.

- Eh kung Philets kaya sila?

- Ganun pa rin yun. Iba kaya ang milieu, no point in comparison.

- Yun na nga eh. Dapat sensitive siya sa time and space. Iba noon, iba ngayon. Liban na lang kung may nilatag siyang grounds.

- Maglatag na kaya tayo dito sa labas, para pag lasing na tayo eh deretso tulog na.

- Ayokong lamukin. Tsaka takot ako sa palaka.

- Para namang kakainin ka ng palaka.

- Baka ihian ako, magkakulugo pa ako.

- Dapat nga may palaka para walang lamok.

- Palaka o lamok? Mamili ka.

- Tatagayin mo ba yan?

- Ang taas eh! Bawasan mo.

- Gribbit!

***

- Mehn may sasabihin ako sa ‘yo.

- Ano yun?

- Pare mahal na yata kita.

- Stop it pare, prove it na lang.

- Kiss?

- Ayoko, amoy alak ka.

***

- Ok rin naman yung point na magkumpara ng graduates noon kaysa ngayon eh, kaya lang not up to that extent.

- Iba nga kasi ang panahon, mas maraming distraction ngayon eh.

- Excuse ba yan?

- Hindi. Para kasing if you always refer to the oldies, to the past as being better, you’ll just feel miserable about your own time.

- Meaning?

- Halimbawa, yang pag-aaral ng kasaysayan. Sinabi ni Durkheim na may problema sa kombensyonal na approach sa pagtuturo nyan. Masyadong nago-glorify yung mga historical figures, so ang dating sa estudyante eh ang gagaling ng mga taong yun at sila eh hindi.

- Talaga?

- Something like that. Ang tanong kasi talaga eh kung ano ang magagawa mo bukod sa nagawa nila.

- Sabagay. Paano mo makikita yung “saysay” sa kasaysayan kung puro memorization? Kasi history’s a giant narrative di ba? Isang malaki at masalimuot na kuwento, hindi listahan ng petsa, lugar at mga personalidad.

- Korek! O higop ka muna nitong sabaw ng papaitan.

- Initin ko muna sandali, nagmamantika na eh.

- Ayos na yan, mamantika ka rin naman.

- Sabagay…

***

- Ano nga ulit ang ibig sabihin ng welt?

- “World” sa deutsch.

- Oo nga pala. Mahilig ka talaga sa Frankfurt school.

- Siguro.

- Sabi ng tito ko ayusin ko na daw sarili ko, kasi nasa “real” world na daw ako ngayong nakatapos na ‘ko. Labo…

- Ba’t nga kaya ganun ang karamihang mag-isip? Pag estudyante ka pa, wala ka pa sa “real” world. Eh hindi naman sila si Plato. Para naming maraming mundo ang kinalalagyan natin, iisa lang kaya.

- Oo nga eh.

- I mean, why the dichotomy? Kaya walang natututunang konkreto ang estudyante eh, kasi ayaw silang payagang makialam sa isyu sa labas ng pamantasan, sa mundo sa labas. Akala tuloy ng karamihan eh dun lang sila dapat manatili sa loob ng eskwela, na pagkagradweyt nila eh saka lang sila dapat makisali, na hindi rin naman nila magagawa kasi nga dapat na silang magtrabaho.

- O dahan-dahan, puso mo, tachycardia na yan.

- Eh kasi naman nakakainit ng ulo. Alam mo naming ganyan din pinoproblema natin noon eh.

- Pare tama na, lasing ka na.

- No I’m not drunk! I speak English when I’m drunk!

- Magsitigil ka!

***

- Ang galing no?

- Ng alin?

- School kasi ang isa sa mga pangunahing architect ng social stratification eh.

- Go on. Regale me.

- Kasi binibigyan tayo ng grades eh, yung mababa yung grade, sila yung bopols. Yung mataas yung grade, sila yung matatalino.

- Yung mga bakla eh—

- Magsitahimik ka. Tapos siyempre yung mga matataas ang grade, most probably sila yung magiging successful, yung hindi eh di hindi.

- The “suck” in success.

- Tapos siyempre yung successful eh yung mayayaman, tapos yung hindi eh di dukha.

- Eh di wag na lang dapat mag-aral ang mga tao.

- Ah hindi naman ganon. Pwede nating mabawasan yung gap sa stratification through education. Authentic education.

- Uy, Freire yan ah.

- Hehe...

- May nabasa akong libro.

- “A Different Kind of Love”?

- Gago. Hindi. Basta sabi dun na the school is one of the best venues for community organizing.

- Sabagay. Oo nga no. Maganda kung naka-tutok lahat o karamihan ng activities ng students sa immediate community kung nasan yung school nila. O kahit san mang extension community.

- Eh ang kaso, karamihan dun sa mga activities sa AB—

- Hep, walang bastusan ng pinanggalingan.

- Parang hindi ako taga-dun ah.

- Ok. You were saying…

- As I was saying, andami-daming org dun eh kalat-kalat. Marami nga, wala namang saysay, walang natutulungan, walang unity, kanya-kanyang focus. Iilan lang ang may ginagawang mabuti. Feckless pluralism—chopsuey na walang lasa.

- Puro pa kabadingan yung karamihan dun.

- Sexist!

- Eh ano naman?

- Hindi ko naman to ginusto a!

- Yan ang ayoko sa ‘yo…

***

- May sasabihin ako sa ‘yo. G-14 classified.

- Oh? Ano yun?

- Come closer.

- Oh?

- Kilala ko na talaga kung sinong bading sa tropa natin.

- Sino?

- Pa-kiss muna…

***

- Pababa na daw ng pababa ang kalidad ng edukasyon sa college natin.

- Lumang tugtugin na yan ah.

- May accreditation naman.

- A double-edged sword.

- Oo nga no, kasi… Kasi ano?

- Maa-upgrade nga status nyo, eh in the long run mabibigyan ang university ng right to increase tuition ng hindi napapakialaman ng CHED.

- Ganun?

- Ganun ang naririnig ko eh.

- Ang saklap naman.

- That leaves everybody with no choice.

- First choice mo ba course mo?

- Hindi.

- Second?

- Hindi.

- Third?

- Hindi rin.

- No choice ka rin?

- Lady’s choice.

- Corny mo ulol.

- Nauna ka.

- Ano ba ‘tong binabad mo sa lambanog? Parang fruit cocktail eh.

- Apat na prutas lang yan eh.

- Ano nga?

- Pasas, ponkan, mansanas at langka.

- Wow, dami ah. Kaya pala ang sarap inumin.

- Hindi tulad nyang lemonade mo.

- Ba’t ba ang bitter mo sa lemonade?

- Hindi bitter, maasim.

- Whatever. Bading ka.

***

- Nag-noise barrage daw sa unibersidad in support for Lozada ah.

- O? Ayos ah. Nakikisali na rin ang mga dominikano. Pero ganun pa rin, hipong tulog, pag talamak na, saka lang sila sasali.

- Pero may catch.

- Ano?

- Yellow Jackets yung nag-lead. Ayun, nagtatambol sila dun sa may España, parang gago.

- Haha! That defeats the point of the noise barrage.

- Malamang, may beat yung katatambol nila eh.

- Korni talaga.

- Bias talaga, unhealthy bias. Bakit nung nag-candle lighting kayo sa España eh kino-condemn kayo ng admin?

- Eh ganun talaga, Nestle eh, sponsor sa cheerdance competition kung san laging champion yung iskul nyo.

- Natin.

- Oo na.

- Wala naman kaming ginawang pananakit.

- Dapat talaga sinunod na lang ng mga pari yung sinabi ng Political Dynamics prof nyo, sana naglagay na lang rin sila ng mga pro-Nestle posters.

- Eh Katoliko nga kasi.

- Sarado-Katoliko.

- Haha, Katoliko na nga, sarado pa!

- Di ba “universal” ang ibig sabihin ng Catholic?

- Yata, and the term doesn’t live up to that meaning these days.

- Sinabi mo pa.

- May diyos nga kaya?

- Ewan. Itanong mo sa kin, dali.

- Ha?

- Nevermind. Magtayo kaya tayo ng bagong relihiyon? Konti lang ang capital, hundredfold pa ang profits!

- Oo nga no? We’ll gonna change the world with it!

- You can’t change the world, mofo.

- And you ain’t gonna tell me what I can’t do, niggah.

- You can’t make it.

- I can! I can…

- Ano?

- I can make the run or stumble/I can make the final block/And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle/I can make all the stadiums rock.

- Tagay na tol, para ka nang tanga eh.

- Sandaleh!

***

- Sana maging prof na ako.

- Oo nga. Tapos tutulungan mo akong mang-chics ng mga menor de edad no?

- Ulol.

- Ah hindi tama yan, ang lagay eh ikaw lang ang makikinabang?

- “…”

- But it’s your bread and butter man!

- Alin?

- Corrupting the young.

- Magtigil ka nga. So what if I happen to like young girls lately?

- Paano na ako? Ang mga gabing pinagsamahan natin?

- Tawag ka lang ng laman ko eh.

- Bastos!

- Gago ka kasi eh.

- Pa’no yan eh wala ka pa namang M.A.?

- Oo nga eh, kaya nga malabo.

- Isa rin yun sa pinoint-out nya dun sa dyaryo ah. Yung sa accreditation.

- Ah oo. Mas preferred ng accreditors na may degrees yung mga teaching staff kaysa dun sa mga practitioners talaga.

- Samantalang yung ibang mga may degrees nga, kahit pa Ph.D.—

- Puro Hangin ang Dating?

- Oo, ganun na nga. Hindi naman magaling magturo, sa pangalan lang may ibubuga. Buti pa yung mga practitioners kahit laging late dumating sa klase e sulit namang may matututunan ka, they know the real deal.

- Nagtataka nga ako kung anong dissertation nung ibang prof na may Ph.D. tapos bobo magturo eh. Napapublish kaya sila?

- Haha. Sana hindi.

- I mean for example, san ka magtitiwala sa subject na may kinalaman sa pagsulat, dun sa may Ph.D. o dun sa napapublish talaga?

- Syempre dun sa nalalathala.

- Bingo. Di ba?

- Nailed it.

- Ano yun? Naaamoy mo ba?

- Alin?

- Amoy chemical eh.

- Ah, itong nail polish, walang takip. Gusto mo? Green ‘to.

- Gago ka ba?

- Sungit mo pala sa personal.

- “…”

- May magenta ba? Pa-try nga.

- Teka’t titingnan ko…

***

- Uubusin ba talaga natin tong isang litro?

- Ba’t ngayon ka lang nagtatanong eh paubos na?

- Wala lang. Tayp kong portion-in yung mga naka-babad eh.

- Wag na. Gagapang ka sa lakas ng amats nyan.

- A ganun?

- Oo.

- Sayang.

- Try mo yung isang piraso ng langka, kahit kagat lang.

- Sige, mamaya sundutin natin nitong istik ng pishbol.

- Isang bantog na senador ang unang nilapitan ko/at dalubhasang propesor ng malaking kolehiyo/ang pinagpala sa mundo/ang dyaryo at ang pulpito/lahat sila’y nagkasundo na ang tawag sa ganito ay bahay.

- Ayan nanganganta ka na naman. Hayaan mo at matatapos na tayo.

- Drunken words are sober thoughts eh.

- Op kors!

- Ubusin na natin yan, maghahanap pa ‘ko ng trabaho bukas eh.

Painful to be Private Preoccupations [Part VIII]

2008-03-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

VIII.

I have been in my hometown for a week, and am back to Manila for the Baccalaureate Mass yesterday. The event, while everyone else is glorifying it, made me annoyed—and so called for the parodying and satirizing that I am known for. Some of my classmates were into it, too—we walked through the parade like we’re in a demonstration shouting phrases meant to be written on picket signs, which usually fall deaf to the ears of 400-year old administrators. When evening came (the event goes for almost 3 hours starting 5:00pm), I began shouting profanities at the top of my lungs, standing on my chair while holding a balloon with a penis drawn on it, courtesy of a classmate, which appalled many students and teachers alike; staring at me like I’m skinning babies. It was one of the best moments of my life. It’s my act of protest against this extravagance in general, and to the VTR being shown in particular, containing many socially-irrelevant “accomplishments” of the institution.

Now I’m going back to the province after getting my things at the Flame office earlier. As I walk in the university on my way back to my boarding house, I see familiar faces in a familiar fast-food chain; a group from 1jrn2. They waved, and gestured me to come in and join them and I oblige. We chat idly for a few moments with the usual long-skirt-and-unbuttoned-bottom-button-blouse girl, now wearing a red shirt and a pair of black jogging pants, rarely uttering a word to me. She seems too preoccupied with eating her food, almost pecking on it like a bird. After their meal, we walk towards a nearby basketball court where, I was told earlier by a girl in the group who borrowed a hundred pesos from me, their sport-inclined activity is going on.

We sit and idly watch a game of basketball. After some moments of talking about the ball games she knows, I ask Joyce to take me to the gate because I was leaving. She agrees and we stand up, walk towards the sidewalk outside the gate. This is us, talking:

“Malayo ba ang province mo?” she asks.

“Hindi naman, three hours lang. Para ka lang umuwi sa inyo sa Las Piñas.”

“Sabagay. Eh kasi naman laging traffic.” she says, chuckling.

“Kalahati lang ng traveling time papuntang Zambales. Tara!”

“Ano? Saan, Zambales? At ano naman gagawin natin dun?”

“May picnic kami ng classmates ko, isama daw kita kasi gusto ka rin nilang makilala.”

“Eh ‘di ba nakilala na nila ‘ko?”

“Iilan lang ‘yun eh, gusto kang makilala nung iba siyempre.”

“Ayo—I mean, hindi ako pwede. Busy sa summer, got a lot of work to do.” She is looking downward, her shoes scratching the pavement.

“Maganda dun, tsaka masaya kasama yung mga kakla—”

“Eh basta!” she scoffs.

“Ok.” This is stupid, I don’t need this! I look at the vehicles passing, the traffic is breathing lighter now that the classes are over for the summer. I change the subject; I read aloud a poster demanding the president’s resignation posted on the wall.

“Trapo kasi eh.” she says.

“Parang kanta nung banda na Yano?”

“Trapo, trapo ka kasi” she sings, in the tune of the song mentioned.

“Trapo, trapo ka kasi” I sing too. We begin singing the chorus, alternating, pointing to each other when the other one’s part is next. We look like a children’s show.

“Tama na.” I say. She stops and begins talking about something while kicking me on the outside of my left thigh lightly. I tell her that it’s wrong, stating corrections to the pivoting of foot and the swinging of hips—the standard roundhouse. She adopts a primitive kickboxing stance and kicks again, doing what I told her. After three or four times of indulging herself in this sadistic frenzy, my leg begins to hurt like a mother.

“Tama na, masakit na.” but she ignores me, still kicking my leg. “Ay naku, bumalik na nga lang tayo dun sa court!”

“KJ!” we start walking back to the court. When we step on the field, she kicks me again, I slap her lower back, knowing well how it stings.

“Aray!”

I back off and Joyce starts towards me, ready to chop my head off. She gets a running start and so I run too, she chases me in the field. After a few meters I feel conscious of what we are doing and realize that we look like a Tirso Cruz-Nora Aunor teen flick. I stop and she catches me, banging her fists against my arm. Joyce’s friends call her and we walk towards them and she is summoned by a senior to help with the buying of food for the participants. We sit on the grass, talking about a gamut of topics like movies and professors as they wait for their dinner. After about an hour Joyce arrive and they eat, after which I say that I should be going now because it’s late.

“Alis na ‘ko, bye.”

“Sige kuya Zaldy, bye.” her friends say. I turn to Joyce.

“O pa’no? Keep in touch na lang. See you again soon.” I say.

“Bye, ingat sa byahe.”

“Alam ko namang mababalani ako sa iyong haraya.”

“Ha? Ano na naman ‘yun.”

“Sabihin ko na lang sa ‘yo next time.”

“Ewan ko sa ‘yo. Sige na.” she turns away.

“Bye guys!” I start walking away, backwards, waving to them. I sigh, thinking that it’s downhill from now on, that my effort earlier was futile and so made itself probably the last one because it called for such a rejection, one where its loathe was poorly hidden by a lame excuse because it’s a lame invitation. Surely I’m going to miss her and her friends. I don’t want to think about these thoughts, not right now. I make a note to myself that if ever there’s no interesting movie shown in the bus, I must sleep during the trip, whatever it takes.

□ □ □

A week later I am in Manila again to attend my graduation ceremony two days away. Strangely enough, I am not excited, not anticipating something special. Instead, I am preoccupied with the fact that no one in my family would probably attend because of financial matters, and I am being cavalier about it. What if my friends attend instead? I estimate the odds and conclude that it’s possible and would be fun, though I am not exactly sure how. Could she attend? I entertain the thought, my friends and I have a few laughs about it. We are at Paul’s house, staying here for two days because this is a routine for us—he seldom gets out of the maritime academy and so when he does, we always see to it that we, together with Lyndon and Ken, spend a weekend at his place, we catching up with him, vice-versa. Then, there is the inevitable question.

“May bago ka daw dinidiskartehan ah, kumusta na kayo?” Paul asks.

I tell them that since my vacation, we rarely talk to each other via our cellular phones or internet, the only feasible way. I tell them that as I get farther away from her, the gap between us widens, and now begins to swallow me, wearing me down, beating me into a pulp. I relate to them that I plan on just fading away. To strive in pursuing her begins to be a dubious idea for me because recently nothing is being reciprocated. It’s downhill, really, and I confirmed it when she sent me a text message yesterday, answering my question why she now rarely replies:

“Bakit? Kailangan ba na mag-reply ako lagi sa mga text mo?”

Which implies another one—leave… me… alone!—that hit me in the gut. And to think that a month ago she would spend all her credit when we send messages to each other, eventhough we’re both inside the campus. We agree that it is indeed a downhill battle, one that is not advisable to fight anymore because you’ll only lose. We think and talk about her thoughts when she sent me that message, that maybe she wants me to be butchered, pulled and torn apart by four horses that are each tied to one of my limbs, see me flayed and pecked at by crows, or just wish me to leave her alone.

“Eh kung tawagan mo kaya sa bahay nila para malinaw mo ang kailangang linawin?” they say.

“Bakit pa? Para saan? Mamaya lalo pang magalit ‘yun.”

“Basta tawagan mo na lang! Kundi kami ang tatawag dun.”

I reiterate that we might be thinking the same thing right now, that such a girl who barely knows how to decipher subtle clues pertaining to attraction is not worth my attention, that I was just wasting my time and effort on her, that she has nothing at all to do with what I offer, cognitive or emotional-wise, except that she—

We clamber for the phone. I make the call. She is not at home.

We change the subject and go downstairs to help prepare dinner. Minutes later, I eat like I haven’t eaten in days, as if I have to fill something other than my stomach.

Fierld [BUS] Report

2008-03-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

Dahil sa pagbabasa ng experiences ni Nachi sa blog nya ay may naalala ako.

[Last week of October, from San Pablo Laguna to Buendia.]

After I had a bathroom break at the stop-over, I popped some mints. Minutes later, while waiting for the bus to roll, some cute girl boarded the bus. I move to the next seat, offering mine to her and she conceded. A few minutes later…

{Zaldy digs out the memoir in his bag and pretends to read it. (thanks to Joyce!) After some minutes…}

Zaldy: Uy, pwedeng favor?

Girl: Yes?

Zaldy: Could you read this sentence? Parang off eh.

Girl: Alin, ito? {reads the freakin wrong grammar in my prose} Hmm… Parang off nga ah. Kasi dapat plural ito eh, tapos blah blah blah.

Zaldy: Oh ok, ok. Salamat ha. How stupid, hindi ko napansin nung sinusulat ko.

Girl: Ah, pero hindi rin naman eh. Kung hindi mo rin pinoint-out sa akin hindi ko mapapansin.

Zaldy: Talaga?

Girl: Yup.

Zaldy: I have this problem with details. Kahit yung mga lower years namin sa school napapansin. “Kuya Zaldy may mali sa ganyan, may sablay sa ganito”. Oh that’s my name, Zaldy. You are…

Girl: Kris Ann

Zaldy: How do they call you? As in yung dalawang pangalan na yun?

Kris Ann: Um {looks sideways}, oo.

Zaldy: {looks at the ceiling} I wonder where Kris Ann is headed to…

Kris Ann: Sa tita ko sa Manila. Medyo napaaga nga ang luwas ko eh, exams kasi namin starting tomorrow. {shows me a piece of paper}

Zaldy: Hmmm… Amphetamine, cortisol, sali—pharma? Pharma course mo?

Kris Ann: {chuckles} Ang bilis mo naman, nalaman mo kagad.

Zaldy: I have friends that took up that major kasi, so yun. Ganyan ang inaaral nyo? So kulong din kayo sa classroom? Must be hard, huh?

Kris Ann: I guess. Ganun talaga yata sa UST.

Zaldy: Wait wait wait, you are from UST?

Kris Ann: Oo. Bakit?

Zaldy: {chuckles} I graduated from UST. AB Sociology, batch 2007. Wow, coincidence.

Kris Ann: {chuckles} Oo nga no. Nakakatawa naman.

Zaldy: No, its nakakaTUwa. Gets?

Kris Ann: Oo nga no. Nakakatawa ay humorous, nakakatuwa pertains to something that makes you happy.

Zaldy: Yep. Unlike that reviewer, wag na yan ang aralin mo, ana-physio na lang. Para maka-relate ako.

Kris Ann: Alam mo rin subjects namin from your friends?

Zaldy: Well, sort of. If you have anatomy and physiology then, freshman ka lang?

Kris An: Oo. Hirap nga eh. Adjustments, pressure, new friends, highschool stuff lingers—

Zaldy: Lovelife.

Kris Ann: Hmm… Oo rin. Hahaha.

Zaldy: Uy, may text ka oh {points to her phone, evil surges in, reads the text message sneakily and finds its from the friggin bf}.

What follows is idle chat and flirting about the movie being shown on the screen, Zaldy’s vibe recedes. Unfortunate girl is faded to memory.

Sa Pagdududa ay Naroon ang Katiyakan (from interview to kuwentong inuman)

2008-03-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

Mag-iisang taon na akong walang trabaho, mag-iisang taon nang sinisikap na punuan ng kahulugan ang mga bakanteng oras ng mga lumilipas na araw, at mag-iisang taon nang nagdududa kung ano ba talaga ang natutunan ko sa apat na taon ko sa pamantasan. Sa tatlo kong nabanggit, ang huli ang pinakamabigat dahil naririto ang nagbabadyang kaba na baka nga nag-aksaya lang ako ng panahon sa aking kurso. Ngunit kahapon, sa gitna ng agam-agam kung bakit hindi ako sinipot ng dalawa kong kaibigan sa mga napag-usapang lakad, ay hindi ko akalaing doon ko matatantong hindi pala ako nagtapos ng walang dunong sa iilang mga bagay.

Nagpaunlak ako ng isang panayam, ayon na rin sa pag-uudyok ng editor-in-chief ng The Flame, sa isang sophomore ng kursong journalism na news staffer din ng nasabing pahayagan. Kung gaano kalamig ang org room ay siya namang init ng panayam na di naglaon ay naging diskusyon na rin, pinagpag ng aming mga bulalas at halakhak ang katahimikang nakalatag sa silid. Interesado naman ang nasabing news staffer na matamang nakikinig sa aming pinagsasasabi, dahil ang mga bagay na aming binabahagi ay may agarang pagkakaugnay sa kanya hindi lang bilang isang mag-aaral kundi bilang isang tao na rin. Sa kanyang balintataw ay makikita ang kahali-halinang puwang na nakakaengganyong punuan hindi lang ng kaalaman ngunit mas lalo na ng silbi. Sa bawat diin ng aking sinasabi ay kasabay ang kumpas ng mga kamay ko sa pagtatangkang pawiin ang pagwawalang-kibo na nakatalukbong sa mga isyu.

Marami kaming napag-usapan bukod sa paksa ng kanyang sinusulat: aktibismo, layunin ng isang institusyong pang-edukasyon, layunin ng isang mag-aaral sa pamantasan, feckless pluralism ng mga org sa pakultad, pamamahayag sa pamantasan, ang silbi ng kaalaman sa lipunang kanilang ginagalawan, at pati na rin ang mga karanasan ng klase namin sa kontrobersya ng Nestle Philippines. Sabihin man ng isang tagapakinig na kalat-kalat ang mga paksang napag-usapan, alam naming ito’y tagni-tagni kung pag-iisipan. At lahat ng mga ito’y lapat sa napapanahong konteksto at hindi lutang sa apalaap.

Upang mapagaan ang bigat ng mga isyung aming pinag-uusapan ay nagbibiro kami matapos makapagbatuhan ng iilang mga ideya. Ngunit bawat halakhak na aking pinawawalan ay hindi lamang dahil sa pagtawa ngunit dahil sa masaya ako nang mga oras na iyon—marami na pala akong ideyang nabungkal mula sa hukay ng aking alaala simula pa noong nag-aaral ako sa kolehiyo. Masaya ako dahil may bukas sa ganitong diskursong mga mag-aaral, mga kabataang mula sa henerasyong tagapakinig ng Soulja Boy sa ipod. Masaya ako dahil sa gitna ng aking pagdududa, hindi rin naman pala ako nagtapos ng walang dunong sa iilang mga bagay.

Mas masaya siguro kung nangyari ito habang lumalagok kami ng alak. Hindi man kami lango sa serbesa ng hapong iyon, tiyak kong lango ang aming damdamin at isipan sa mga usapin.

Si Emman Lalin

2008-03-07T03:44:00.000-08:00

ka-text ko si kumag kanina at ito ang palitan namin ng mensahe

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Zaldy: Magkano bili mo dun sa turtle neck na suot mo nung debut ni annie? San mo nabili?

Emman: Sa SM. Mga 400 pesos.

Zaldy: Ah. Masyado bang makapal yan?

Emman: Mejo.

Zaldy: E kung akin na lang kaya yun? Tapos bili ka na lang ng bago tutal may trabaho ka naman eh. Nakakahiya naman sa yo kung sa akin yung bago di ba? hehehe

Emman: Ok.

Zaldy: Yan ang gusto ko sa 'yo eh. haha

Emman. Txt ka lang pag kukunin mo na. Color black un ha. Bakit mo kelangan ng tuttle neck? DI ka na ba?

Zaldy: Haha! Hindi gagu niloloko lang kita. Naniwala ka naman. haha!

Emman: Ok. (this one's unclear to me)

_____________________________________________________________________________

PANALO! haha

anong problema mo?

2008-03-03T02:56:00.001-08:00

I rarely write in my blogs when i'm upset about something. but here goes...

ano yung kilay na yun? ano yung irap palayo sa direksyon ko bago un? anong problema mo? Kung fucked up araw mo tulad ko nung nagkatext tayo, sana sinabi mo. sana sinabi mo na lang na "zaldy xenxa na, saka na lang tau magusap" at hindi "wala akong panahong makipagtangahan". Akala ko pa naman e maaasahan kita non, na makakapag-open ako sa yo.

really, the people who could hurt you the most are the ones who you consider to be close at the moment.

we're the people whom you run to when trouble comes up, especially emotional ones. we know your strengths, we know your weaknesses, we know you flinch easily from blows of the heavens.

Do not Fuck with Us.